A Day in the Life of a Libra!

Giving Back

2012-01-11T23:07:00.003-05:00

Everyone is struggling in this rough economy and your favorite organizations are struggling even more. That's why when I read about all the innovate, convenient ways non-profits are helping us give back, in the January issue of Marie Claire, I knew I had to shout it from the mountain tops. Or just post it on my blog.

1. Common Kindness is perfect for every Extreme Couponer. Create and select the non-profits closest to your heart. Print out coupons to start saving. For every coupon you use, Common Kindness will charge the company a quarter and donate 5 cents to your choice organizations. Simple as pie.

2. Entertain yourself and strengthen your vocabulary at Freerice.com. With every correct question you answer, 10 grains of rice is donated through the World Food Programme to help end hunger. FYI - there are a little over 10,000 grains of rice in a cup. Don't ask how I know this.

3. Calling all YouTube Lovers aka everyone. Visit the VISO Give channel at Youtube.com/user/give. This channel showcases videos from non-profits and documentary film makers worldwide. For every video watched on VISO Give, money is directly donated to that cause.

4. Feed that online shopping habit while feeding an organization. GoodShop works with thousands of your favorite retailers - Amazon, TARGET, J.Crew, Apple - by donating a percentage of your purchase to charity. No you will not be paying extra. A portion, of the amount you are already paying, will be donated to charity. Each merchant donates different percentages, but goodshop.com provides more detailed information.

5. Sparked.com is for that busy individual who doesn't even have a moment to breath. It puts volunteering for busy professionals, right at their fingertips. Marie Claire says, "You can offer ideas for a nonprofit's fundraiser, write a letter to an underprivileged child, create a new logo for an organization that can't afford a graphic designer and more." So what are you waiting for?! Bring out your iPhone or iPad and start writing!

6. And for all you runners out there.... I'm talking to you Lauren Pantzer. Run for Congo Women is a global run/walk benefiting Women for Women International's Congo program. Women for Women provides financial aid, job training, rights awareness and leadership education in the eight countries where it's operated. Run for Congo Women specifically helps Women for Women International with female survivors of war, civil strife and other conflicts destroying their country.

Now that you've read all this, don't tell me you don't have time to give back.

The Homeless and the Hammer

2012-01-08T03:04:00.002-05:00

This evening I saw a large group (15 or so) Dominican and Puerto Ricans teasing and harassing a homeless fellow, who obviously had mental problems. As I strolled the bodega looking for items to amass to the $5 debit card minimum, the outside commotion grew louder and louder. At first I assumed it was neighborhood hoodlums duking it out, but later noticed the homeless man bringing out a hammer to attack the bullies.

The group backed away, but continued to antagonize him. I don't know what came of the situation, but I do know karma is a bitch. And those peons should be careful.
---
My New Year's Eve was spent babysitting four, attention deprived, sugar hungry children. Two of them being the children of the woman from my "Ex-Boyfriend" post. That's right. I was in his hood on New Year's Eve and I knew I would be, so I devised a plan on how to react in case of a run-in. The plan was so well put together, that when I thought I saw him walking towards his building, I hid inside a bush behind his building. You read correctly. I hid inside of a bush, behind his building.

Just to clear things up. Hiding in a bush was not part of the plan, but being so startled the original, more adult like plan flew out the window. Till this day, I don't know what my plan was. Oh and wait... that's not the worst part. Not only was I caught by the security guard of his building and awkwardly stammered and fumbled my poorly explained explanation to why a grown woman is hiding in a bush - so poor that I didn't even finish explaining before trotting away - but it wasn't even him. It was someone who walked like him and sort of resembled him.

This is my life.

E-PEW-me

2012-01-06T08:40:00.004-05:00

Living in New York provides easy access to many Catholic Churches that distance is never a reason to why I can't make it to mass on Sunday mornings. So, when I do finally drag myself away from doing laundry to worship Jesús Christo, I choose to sit on the edge of the last pew. No, it's not because I'm a late comer, or I'm afraid to be struck down by the big man on campus. I just don't like feeling as though "escaping without doing the walk of shame" isn't an option.

But what really gets me is when another church goer decides to screw up my whole plan and ask me to scoot down so they now block me in, when a perfectly edge free pew is open directly in front of me. Who do they think they are?! You just ruined my plan and leaving me ~~stuck~~ unable to exit, if necessary.

ASS.
---

It baffles me how people work harder to make non-legal binding relationships work than they do marriages. Seriously. I know of so many people in funktastic relationships that are held together by the thread of dear life that choose to hold on kicking and screaming. Sidenote - Dude... let go. This shit will not and should not last. You look desperate, pathetic and what other demeaning words that fall in between. But married folk divorce on the simple basis "He doesn't listen to me anymore".

Really?! Stop fooling yourself. He never listened to you before you were married. You selfishly wasted that $5000 Monique Lhuillier dress when you knew things weren't going to change. Did you think that by some miracle, he'd start listening because of the binding contract between the state of [insert state here] and you, that it would fix itself? You, my dear, were deluded. You were just to lazy and self-involved to make it work and quit on your future.

Honestly though. I see more and more failed relationships working than I see marriages. Is there something wrong with our society, or is this life running its course?
---
My holiday trip to Houston was fantabulous. The holiday music, cherub fountains on the lawns and daily carolers would have been added bonuses, but my mum, sister and bestfriend had to suffice.

For real though, I don't think I laughed so hard...ever. Many evil, funny comments were made. The worst being from my mum in the drivers license office,"Those Mexican children need to be careful and stop laughing at him. He could go outside, strap on a bomb and teach them a lesson."

I know... you're probably thinking she's racist, but you know what...

Forget it. I don't have the time of day to defend the obvious. Long story short, it's funny and I had an amazing trip to H-Town.

5:00 PM Wake-Up

2011-11-26T17:51:00.002-05:00

I live in the Dominican Republic which sounds great but really isn't. Here are personalized letters to my neighbors.

To the pre-teen Dominican girls -

Hopefully you will grow into your "beauty" but until then, stop wearing that bright pink lipstick. It only enhances your full grown mustache and chewbacca like eyebrows that for some reason unite in the middle. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's not. I don't know. What I do know is that sexy look you're going for to woo the boys that brought you to McDonald's, isn't cutting it. It wouldn't cut it at DOTS, so it sure as hell wouldn't cut it in the real world.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. McDonald's not a hang out. It's a place for the homeless to bathe and stay warm. Please try somewhere else.
---
To the woman who I held the door open for -

Besides setting an example for your son, you've also gone to show that you're an ungrateful beast. I stood in the cold for you to come out the door and you repay me by whacking me on your way out, as I was the problem. Ugh... you're lucky you found me on a good day.

-Me
---
To the grown boys on the corner all day -

Why are you not in school is the main concern. Honestly, when it's raining cats and dogs you surround your stoop all day, as if you get paid to do so; which I'm sure you don't because the only conversation I've ever heard you have is how someone is stupid, or the girl your trying to get with. You're not bad ass or scary. If you want a taste of scary, come meet the Southern Hispanics. You wouldn't survive a day in their crew.

Sadly not impressed,

Me
P.S. I know in those stacks of hundreds you're counting, the center is filled with dollar bills. Stop trying to be fancy.

Determined

2011-11-25T21:13:00.003-05:00

I chased down a USPS truck today, because it had a package that I've been waiting to receive. This may seem normal, but do you know how many USPS trucks are on a block in New York?! Neither did I until I got to truck number six, on the same block and they too didn't have my package.

Long story short, truck number lucky seven had the package.

That lucky number seven. You never cease to cheer me up.

My Ex-Boyfriend

2011-11-20T14:42:00.003-05:00

My first week in New York, I met a man. He fit everything on my exception list (French and older), plus his great job was an unexpected additive. We dated for about a month an a half, and one day he became my ex-boyfriend. I'm not going to go into details, but I was sad. Not because I thought I could have done things differently, or because he broke my heart. I was sad because that's just how I felt. I liked him and he liked me and there were no questions about it.

It's been almost a month since I've spoken or seen him, and I've intentionally avoided his area like the plague. I thought I could continue this charade until I was capable enough to bump into him without stuttering from anxiety. That day hasn't come and because my life likes to throw boulders in my path while riding a bike on a beautiful Sunday, life wasn't going to wait until I was ready either.

Friday, I messaged a mother looking for a part-time nanny for her children. She wanted someone who spoke French as well as English, so her rugrats didn't forget what they learned, their year abroad. We quickly hit it off and made plans to meet her, and her children the next day, in her home. "Good job, Tillie" is what your probably screaming but wait! She lived in the conjoined building directly next to my ex. It's so direct, that I have to walk through his building entrance to get to her building. And because life didn't think that was enough, I found out they work in the same department at work. Ugh.

I went for the interview and as I walked to her building this overwhelming amount of heat overcame me. It was freezing cold outside and though I was properly dressed in leggings, boots and a parka, I wound up stripping off my parka to prevent further sweat beads from streaming down my forehead. Lucky for me, I didn't run into him, but the mother really liked me and there are amazing perks to the position that only a fool would pass up.

Now it's the day after and I sit waiting for her decision. A decision that affects me more than she knows.

Pretty in Pink

2011-10-29T17:02:00.003-04:00

According to Marie Claire's October 2011 issue, the National Institute of Health allocated $763 million to the study of breast cancer last year which is more than double what they provided to any other cancer. This year the Department of Defense gave $150 million to fund breast cancer research and last year Susan G. Komen grossed $420 million. With all this constant funding, for a good cause, two things have always crossed my mind - 1. I know there are more diseases in the world that are ailing our community, that have been out shined by breast cancer, and 2. with all profitable good deeds lurk snakes that want to profit from the sick (some organizations pocket 90 cents of every dollar raised).

I'm all for the research of diseases to cure the sick, and preventatives for future generations but many of them aren't getting the proper funding. How often do you pay an extra dollar at Walgreen's in aid of the Juvenile Diabetes fight; how about pledging to Step Up to Cancer? Probably $0. But let me wave a pink trinket in your face and say part of the proceeds go to helping in breast cancer research, I'm sure you'd buy two or three, just to be apart of something monumental.

It's true that 110 woman die each day of breast cancer, but did you know more than five children die each day of child abuse, 80% of them being under the age of 4; Every day 16,000 children die of hunger; 1 in 7 kids go to bed without food in the US; 29,959 Lyme disease cases were reported in 2009. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to pull you away from purchasing those pink Ralph Lauren scarves, it just really bothers me that other things are taking lives of our mothers, sisters, friends, brothers, neighbors, etc, but their fight is being somewhat ignored.

I know that I give in and purchase pink inspired trophies, but I also donate to other causes when asked. Hell, I even "adopted" a child because a man on Prince and Broadway explained how my $22 a month could change my son's life.

Ugh... I'm sure many are angered about my bias opinion on breast cancer organizations or delighted that someone had the balls to speak up. Either way, I'm not looking for criticism or cheers; just an outlet to voice my opinion.

A Sample Written for a Job Application

2011-10-09T01:22:00.001-04:00

As of October 2^nd, I’d been in the city for a month. The last time I lived here was four years ago and I wasn’t even legal to drink. My weekends were filled with doing laundry, shopping and roaming the streets until I became too weak to walk, but what I lived for were the weekdays. The hectic internship that had me leaving the office in tears on the daily, the part-time babysitter gig that helped pay my rent and understand why birth control is so important, but mainly the energy that New York perspires to weed out the weak; leaving only sweat to quench the thirst of those who chose to swim. Now I’m back in the Big Apple with a new agenda; taking my $140,000 degree and making proper use of it.

In the past two months, I’ve applied to over 200 jobs - some being in social media, but most being in fashion. At first, people think that fashion is a superficial world of how to make things pretty at an obscene cost, but it’s not. That’s like saying just because you have a pretty face and legs like Naomi Campbell, that you should be a model. It doesn’t work like that. Like every other industry, it’s a business created and marketed to make money by providing us with product(s) we believe we can’t live without. For instance, did you really need that $400 iPad to pay homage to the late Steve Jobs, or did you run out of excuses justifying why someone needs an iPad when they already have an iPhone and Mac Book? And since it’s such a dog eat dog world out there and cannibalism just isn’t a part of my nature, I’ll hope my years of experience presented so eloquently in that Word document entitled “Tillie’s Resume.docx” will win HR over. Rather than lose integrity by intentionally sabotaging my competition who is equally, if not more qualified than I.

So at the end of the day, if my impressive qualifications don’t “wow” you, my eccentric, upbeat nature will.

Hey, Hey! On the Subway!

2011-10-02T17:19:00.002-04:00

On the subway, I typically jump on the closet car to me. Coincidentally, so do every musician, homeless man, crack head, drug addict or panhandler asking for money. Friday was la même histoire, because this time as I stood there eating my corn muffin a beggar rant began.

Beggar - Excuse me everyone. God has blessed me with 70 years of life and I'm thankful everyday. This summer, in June, was my 70th birthday. I've worked all my life until a few years ago when I lost everything. Now I stand here hungry and penniless asking for your charity. Food. Coins. Anything you have, I will appreciate. Thank you and God Bless.

Though I only had a bite left of my delicious Au Bon Pain muffin, I was more than tempted to pass it his way. Then again, how could I insult such an elder? So I stood there refusing to make eye contact. As the subway stopped for passengers, I noticed two men laughing.

Baldy - HA! What does he want me to do about it? Buy him a birthday cake?
Mark Anthony - Ha... how about he get a job? *laughter*

My blood began to boil and if baldy hadn't gotten off at the next stop, I would told him a thing or two about insulting people less fortunate.

So if you are reading this, Baldy and Mark Anthony, know this. I won't forget your faces and if I ever see you on the subway again, know that I am thinking horrible things about you.

Looky Looky

2011-10-02T17:05:00.003-04:00

We had a photo shoot on a rooftop in Brooklyn for Korto Momolu's Look Book. The model, Katarina Muniz, was a joy to work with as was the make-up artist, Renarda Joy. With those two around the day flew by. Enjoy some photos of the shoot.

AVISO

2011-09-27T14:14:00.005-04:00

Before you read this posting, I think it's best I warn you. You're going to find out some pretty "special" things about me. Things that would only arise in a drunken stupor or when your friend does something really embarrassing and you try to cheer them up. The only reason I'm giving you this warning is because I don't want to hear judgements to the tune of, "if I knew what you were going to write about, I never would have read it", "you, my friend, are sick", "gross... why didn't you warn me beforehand". Because we all know those are coverups so you don't feel ashamed for reading it.

This morning I peed in the shower. Honestly, I pee in the shower a lot. It's not that I actually care if you think it's gross* because in reality, it isn't. Think about it. If you had to pee anymore in the world, wouldn't you want it to be the one place where you could hygienically clean up after yourself? I thought so. Anyway, if I hadn't been so lazy and just used the toilet beforehand, I would have found out that we didn't have hot water today. Surely I could easily blame the house mother for not telling me or the fact I live in the Dominican Republic and am not able to read the AVISO so boldly plastered all throughout the building. But I can't. I can only use this as a warning for my future accidents.

Thank you.

*You go days without showering, nasty.

First Week in New York

2011-09-12T18:22:00.013-04:00

I've been in New York a week, yesterday and it feels like a month. I'm renting a room from a single parent family with two boys in Sugarhill. The boys have only been spotted twice since living here, but I hear them pitter patter enough to know they are around. Last week was crazy. Between applying for jobs, dealing with Capital One and their capital nonsense, and helping with the Mataano and Korto Momolu SS 2012 Collection Show, it's been little sleep and much excitement.

So rather than bore you with the details, let me bullet point my life as now:

Somewhere between Pittsburgh and New York, I lost my toothpaste, deodorant, shower gel and iPod USB. Though I've been here for only a week, I didn't replace my deodorant or toothpaste until Wednesday. Yep, you read that correctly.
My house mother brought me coffee, with cream and sugar on my first day of "work". It was yummy.
I met Misa Hylton and she is as beautiful as she is nice.
Korto Momolu is brilliant. She was runner's up on Project Runway twice; Season 5 and the All Star's Season. I demand a recount, because her talent is unreal.
The September Issue is a documentary everyone should see. It doesn't matter if you love fashion or not. This documentary is constructed in a way everyone can enjoy it.
I went to two fashion shows this weekend; Mataano & Korto Momolu being my favorite.
I've seen more crack heads today alone than I've seen in my entire life. No joke.

---

Backstage at New York Fame Fashion Week Charity Benefit

Mataano & Korto Momolu SS 2012 Collection
Produced by FAAG

Julissa Bermudez of 106th and Park, in Korto Momolu, and Kelly Mills of FAAG before the show.

News Update

2011-09-01T20:14:00.002-04:00

I've stopped in Bedford for a friend's wedding, so am not yet in NYC. So far my day has consisted of:

Icing cakes and cupcakes
Traveling down memory lane with Ms. Anita in which she said, "He [Harry Belafonte] can hide his shoes under my bed any night," and "I can't get I Wish I Was A Fascinitating Bitch out of my head."
There's a dog named Annabelle here, but is now being called Mathilda or Tillie. What is with people starting to call the dogs by my name?!
Taking a shower.
Baby talk being rampant among couples.... yuck.
Craving Welch's Grape Juice

That is all.... for now.

Stur-D

2011-08-27T12:30:00.000-04:00

I’m a huge fan of Vitamin Water. It’s delicious and packed with so much sodium that after your hour and half workout your body becomes so bloated, you think you’ve actually gained weight rather than lost some. No, but seriously. The reason I love VWater is because of their innovative flavors, and witty paragraph written to describe them.

Well, with every ripe apple, there’s always a rotten one in the bunch and his name is Stur-D. It taste like expired Robitussin and not the good kind you need to make Purple Stuff, but the one that you’ve had to wipe the dust off the bottle, because it’s been so neglected. For real VWater, what were you thinking making this disgusting flavor? I’ll ingest a lot of things (sand), but Stur-D was not one of them. Even after disposing this concoction, I was still tempted to ask for a refund,

Anyway, the whole point of this rant is to warn you against purchasing Stur-D but I know some of you want to try it yourself. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Bloglovin'

2011-08-16T10:37:00.002-04:00

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

I'm trying to make it big, so how about you repost, retweet, re whatever technology allows you to do. That way, when I win my first award you are thanked in the speech.

Groupon

2011-08-10T09:11:00.010-04:00

I have a series of Groupon's that I purchased a while ago. Since, I'm moving at the end of the month, I've decided to use them up. After yesterday's thrift store adventure, we were famished and what a better time to travel in the opposite direction of our trip, for deliciousness. Deliciousness that after the Groupon and tip, it only cost us $8. UNBELIEVABLE!

Go ahead and salivate at these beauties. Your glutenous secret is safe with me:

(Ignore the dirty fork.
I wasn't patient enough to remove
it from the lens view.)

(Apparently my friend
had enough sense to remove
her silverware from the lens view)

Sunday Stroll at TARGET

2011-08-07T23:14:00.002-04:00

I love shopping. It doesn’t matter what type – clothes, grocery, craving a pack of gummy bears, so I rush to the convenient store shopping. As long as I’m getting a new item, it’s all gravy, Baby. But you know what I love more than shopping? Shopping with coupons. OH YEAH! There is nothing more satisfying than going to the neighborhood TARGET with a pack of coups in your shopping bag. Ok, sometimes I wind up purchasing things I didn’t go to buy, nor I can eat. But when Eggo Waffles are already on sale for $1.75 plus with my coupon of $1.00 off, I’d wind up spending only 75¢. Umm… yes. That is a reason to purchase said deliciousness and justify it by saying “my roommate would eat this.”

Now. What happens when you go shopping with coupons and you wind up not purchasing anything that allows for couponesque savings? You become the Coupon Fairy and share your wealth with the people around you, or at least that’s what I do. And the best reward from my part-time job is the rush after handing off the savings to another person. The heart racing, the quivering lips and the shaking hand that resembles one with a severe nerve disorder, all from the excitement of saving others money.

It truly is the little things in life that keep you moving.

---

Who ever thought I’d be the one saving a child’s life? Not me, that’s for sure. But I did today…at TARGET. Yes, it was the same trip that I was filling in as Coupon Fairy. Anyway, as I was leaving the fancy (it has an escalator for your carts) TARGET in East Liberty, I was seconds from mounting the first step beginning my escalator descent, when I noticed a young boy coming up the opposite direction. For a moment, I questioned my intelligence and thought I was the fool exiting the wrong way, until I realized, this young lad was playing “Run Up the Escalator Going the Opposite Direction.” Let me just say, I was once forced to play this game in D.C. at L’Enfant Plaza and let me tell you. Besides being tiring it brings back suppressed memories of that Rescue 911 episode where a young boy’s jean cuff gets caught in the escalator, resulting in his leg getting caught in the machine.

Yes. I’m slightly afraid of escalators because of this, but what was more frightening was seeing this boy fall and his fingers nearly being eaten. After helping him up and telling him the importance of going the proper direction, I scolded him to find his mother.

Yay, me!

---

I watched Harry Potter IV yesterday and I liked it. I actually want to see more of them, only if people don’t drop like flies.

There’s no point in watching a series of films if it only has children dying.

---

I would like to pat myself on the back, because I worked out every day this week. That’s right. You’re reading it here first: Lady T worked out from 7/31/2011 – 8/7/2011 and never skipped a day.

What? Is that a train I hear? WOOO WOOO!

It's a Beautiful Day...

2011-07-27T11:32:00.003-04:00

I went to the U2 Concert last night and as most events of this magnitude, a certain rush of adrenaline runs through your vein like heroin shot through a needle. Unlike heroin, this is healthy heroin. The sort that gives you that push to realize things with your life that have been clouded by negativity or frustration and inspires you to achieve the "impossible".

So all in all, it was better than I expected, more than I could ask for and healthier than watching TV for a few hours before falling asleep.

On the other hand, I did wake up at 6:47am to rush and catch a bus at 7:15am. Eh... it was well worth it.
---

The thing about U2 is that they have a very liberal agenda. Understandably, based on your personal beliefs, many don't agree. One thing, I believe, we should all agree on is their agenda at providing assistance to less fortunate, aiding the peaceful protestors of Burma and their affiliation with Amnesty International. Sadly not everyone agrees and that too, is understandable; to a certain degree.

This morning at work someone said, "I didn't go to the U2 Concert last night. I did like their music until I heard about their political agenda. So I don't like them anymore."

I'm sorry you self-righteous, pompous asshole. God forbid their political agenda not help you directly, but help the billions of people less fortunate than you. I'll make note of it when I speak with them next time that [name redacted] needs to have some input on where and how the help is distributed.

Ugh... I think they are better off not having you as a fan anyway.

Butterflies in the Sky

2011-07-26T10:28:00.002-04:00

As I sat and choked on a tiny morsel of my breakfast this morning, at work, I was convinced someone was going to rush and attempt the Heimlich on me. Which would have been a fail. See, the only thing about any sort of forced pressure being put on my body, ANYWHERE, is that the aftermath is typically... well...unexpected. Well unexpected to the witness, not so much me. For instance, if I laugh to hard I pee my pants. When I cough, I tinkle a little. When I sneeze, I fart. Now, imagine if someone were to put the pressure of producing such a gust of air from my stomach to my throat, what kind of results would spew out.

Basically, what I'm saying is this. If you are ever around and I start choking, let me die. No one should have to be around to see what sort of secretions are released, let alone where they are released from.
---
One of the admins walked over to me at 8:44 am to ask what type of day it was going to be. I told her it was too soon to tell, so she should come back. She said,"No. That's cheating. You have to tell me before 9." The conversation ended like this:

Her: Ok. Decide like this. Heads it's good, tails it's bad.
Me: No... I need more time.
Her: Heads or tails?!
Me: Let me pop a few pills and it will be heads sort of day.
Her: HAHAHAH! Your so funny.

One, she actually cheated because no sort of coin was produced to perform Heads or Tails. And two, I'm highly upset she didn't understand the seriousness of my pills comment. Basic!
---
When a woman spends an excessive amount of time in the toilet, I think she's doing one of two things. 1. Losing 5lbs through a daily dump or 2. Changing her personals.

Now when a man spends an excessive amount of time in the bathroom, what does one assume he's doing? I automatically go to releasing the aftermath of Indian food for lunch, but I could be wrong.

Ms. Winehouse

2011-07-23T13:46:00.004-04:00

I wouldn't call myself an Amy Winehouse fan. Honestly, if you asked me to name a famous number, I probably wouldn't be able to do that either. Therefore, it's surprising that any mention of her name, a photo sighting or any song that sounds similar to Adele and Duffy, makes me sad.

I don't think it's due to my natural empathy for others, but more that I'm interested in the idea of death. Being one of my largest fears, I wonder how it happens. The feelings that arise and the aftermath. Did she know it was her time to go? Many people believe they know when one will pass. They make acceptance and welcome it with open arms. But what about the other half that refuse to accept their life will be cut short when they aren't ready. Is that what brings out the true feeling of madness? Knowing you will die before you get married, having children, becoming successful? I mean, if I felt that I had a little time left on this earth but wasn't sure of how it was going to be taken away from me, or how soon, I'm sure I would commit suicide from the unnerving feeling lurking. But then again, I guess that is how I died, isn't it?

Ugh... all I'm trying to explain is that there is more to death, than just death and I want to figure it out. But all the people I could ask, are dead.

Life. What a conundrum.

No Strings Attached

2011-07-21T09:26:00.002-04:00

According to Taipei Times, 81% of Americans are tampon users. The other 19% (me) use flotation devices. I'm kidding about 19% using pads, but it's obviously a small margin if 81% stick a tiny penis up their vagina for 3 days to a week or more, each month.

Being apart of the minority, my friends think it's important for me to join the majority. I don't agree, but I gave it a shot either way. Stupid me, you say? You're right. Stupid, stupid me. Because when I realized there was no string attached to this morning's tamp, I nearly lost my mind. I didn't know what to and I think instructions on what to do in the case a vaginal emergency should be printed on the package.

I eventually got it out, and texted one of culprits in the "Get with times Duo" and this was her response. "You put it in wrong."

Ugh...idiots. That's who I deal with on a daily basis.
---
There are positive message printed on the wrapper of the tampons I use. This morning's wrapper said, "Victory."

I think it was very fitting to today's ordeal.
---
I'm going to start an art project this week. That is all.

Do the Humpty Hump...

2011-07-20T10:24:00.003-04:00

This morning at Au Bon Pain, the food-makers, cut open a croissant. Without wiping the knife they proceeded to slice up cucumbers. That's right. I didn't skip the sanitation part of the story, because it never occurred. For reals. What if someone was allergic to bread, or cucumbers? Do they do the same thing with meat? Do they slice up tender strips of chicken and dice up walnuts without the proper sanitation?

This actually really irks me....
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If someone has the kind decency to hold the elevator for you, so you can ride up, rather than having to wait on the next elevator's arrival, don't slow down your stride. Better yet, pick your fucking feet up and power walk, if not run so you don't seem ungrateful.

Next time I see you, and you choose to take your jolly time, I'll hold the elevator doors open and the second you're about to enter, karate kick you in the chest. Then you'll know what happens to buffoons who don't show proper appreciation.
---
I locked myself out of my house Saturday. All I was doing was stepping outside my actual door to check my mail. Why didn't I just leave the door open, if I was "just stepping outside my actual door" you ask? Well when you're harboring a feline who takes any opportunity to explore the outside world, you have to keep those bay-bays at bay, by shutting the door at all times.

FAST FORWARD TO PRESENT DAY: Anyway, I was taking my morning stroll outside my building today, when I saw one of the two men who attempted to help me break into my bedroom window that night.

How coincidental is that?! He works in my building. I nearly burst his eardrums when I realized it was him, but I hope my happiness showed my appreciation.

Feeling on Your Boo-hooty!

2011-07-19T08:17:00.004-04:00

Never buy panties with buttons on the front. Better yet, if you choose to ignore my prior warning, don't wear the bought panties unless your trying to "get it on".

I unfortunately made the mistake of purchasing such panties, because they were pretty. Yes, I know that's never a wise rationale to making a long term commitment to anything or anyone, but we all learn from our mistakes. Anyway, I wore such panties today and tried adjusting myself while walking the streets of Downtown Pittsburgh. NOTE -Yes, I do work Downtown. No, I am not a trick on the corner, but if I was I would be making more dough in a day than what I currently gross weekly; a career change I'm highly considering. -END NOTE. Unsurprisingly, while administering said adjustment the top panty button unfastened. Oh. I didn't mention that these ridiculous undergarments actually fasten and unfasten? Well, they do. Which for me is a complete pain in the ass, because I can be very self-conscious at times, even with things no one can see but me. So my immediate reaction is to fix this debacle. Complete fail. I tried being as graceful and ladylike as possible, but for those who know me, that's not possible. At my worst, I can be mannish and uncouth. Seriously. I get out of the car like a goat learning to walk for the first time, my outfit/panty adjustments resemble that of a male genitalia adjustment/groping, and I probably chew like a cow. And because my friends think I'm to sensitive aka I'll attack them with a butter knife, they choose not to inform me of my flaws.

Ugh. This is my life.
---
Day 2 of the non-carb loading lifestyle. It's hard. I like sweet things and rice. All things that apparently have a high amount of carbohydrates within and very hard to resist. Especially while your period is visiting. Which by the way is annoying. This is its third visit in two months. Not fair. Not fair for many reasons with reason one superseding the others.

Cut me a break body.
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I spent all of Saturday curled up on my couch, due to sharp pains in my abdomen. Thinking it was due to my excessive drinking the evening before, I vowed to never drink again (for a long time). As the day progressed, I recognized the pain. It wasn't due to my lack of control with alcoholic beverages. They were cramps.

Go ahead. I give you permission to question my intelligence this once.
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I just looked up obnoxious on Dictionary.com and hateful is a synonym. Umm, that doesn't seem correct.

Lookie here...

Lights Out!

2011-07-18T08:28:00.003-04:00

D.C. no more... temporarily. First of all, this isn't the way I'm telling people my dream of D.C. living has gone on temporary hiatus. So shut the fuck up with all your sensitivity. I'll get to telling you eventually.

After series of breakdowns, breakups, hemorrhoid flareups, I've come to a decision. I'm not emotionally nor financially stable enough to leave a place that has caused more heartache than my childhood. Yes, yes. That's the typical excuse, but all those other times it was a cop out. A way for me to try and convince myself that I was ready. "I've made peace with Pittsburgh." "I've got life long friends here." "Oh no, I'm not staying for that." All lies. I haven't made peace with the 'Burgh. I do have life long friends, but not the right ones. And I was staying for that.

Now, a couple of months away from turning 25, I need to get my life in order. I need to do things for myself and not for others. I need learn to love myself, as I am, and the rest should follow. I need to materialize that confidence that everyone is worthy of displaying rather than seeking acceptance from others. And with all those unresolved issues, it's time for me make amends with my life here, accept it, and when truly able, move. And unfortunately, that's not right now.
---
I've got the internal functioning of a 90 year old man and though it may seem like the perfect nursing home life, it's not. Why? Because my insides are deteriorating like a 90 year old, while being young. Which means I still have to bathe, feed, clothe myself. Remember to take my own pills. Do my own hair and pretty much do the dailies of a Spring Chicken. It sucks, but I think it's my fault I can't remember who I was about to text. So, I'm starting a regimen. It may not bring back my failing short term memory, but hopefully it'll provide more energy than I have currently.

I know, if you go through the archives you will encounter many failed regimen attempts, but things are different. I know so. I'm going to my first wedding, as an adult, Labor Day weekend. I'm turning 25, which is a great age to accomplish anything, October 14th. I'm turning over a new leaf, so get ready world. You won't know me, when you meet me. (OK. Maybe you will, but it will be a more enhanced version of me.)

Noted Notables

2011-06-29T10:54:00.002-04:00

Recently, I’ve been texting long, ramble like texts. OK. This actually isn’t abnormal for me, but the subject matter is my concern. My typical texts rambling about how I’m annoyed with something that occurred 6 months ago, has turned ramble texts explaining, better yet justifying why I’m still annoyed. Or why I did, said or feel such way. That’s my concern. I don’t need to explain, why I think the Sun is green, hazel is closer to the color blue than brown or why my heart beats a mile a minute when my mother calls. It’s just the way I feel; which leads me to my true ramble of the day. - - - Why can’t everyone I meet just know who I am?

Yes, it is unrealistic and selfish. No, it’s not a way for my ego to be stroked. I just want to avoid the above said of justifying my way of being. The people who know me. Like truly know me, know that I’m the most forward, unapologetic person you will probably ever meet. I know it seems like I’ve described a demon, but those words have negative connotations and they shouldn’t. Ok. For example, don’t come to me if you want to be told your shirt is cute, when in reality I’m wishing someone vomits all over it to the point of destruction. These are the things I say, think and feel on a normal basis, that the people who know me, understand. It may come off as crazy, but I am crazy. I’m honest enough with myself to admit my downfalls, without wanting to play the get to know me game with newbies.

Therefore as an ode to the old me incarnate, I’m returning to saying what I’m thinking or feeling without explanation (unless asked of course). Problem solved.

---

Random Morning Thoughts:

I’ve got a natural baby bump that has been with me since I was a child. My mum says it’s due to a car accident I was in, but she also said, “I lost all my baby fat when I was 15, Tillie. You still have time to lose yours.” I was 18.
Tat no. 2 needs to happen immediately. And by immediately, I mean before the end of summer. And by the end of summer, I mean by the end of 2011.
I went to the casino two weeks ago and loved it. I could easily develop a habit. The fact I'm still thinking about it demonstrates, I have a habit.
There is something about assholes that attract me to them. Is it their “drug and alcohol abuse past,” their “cocky, athletic personalities,” or the fact that a part of me wants to be their better missing half? Whatever it is, no matter how horrible of a person Bradley Cooper displays in all his roles, you can’t deny his sexiness.

I Thought Today Was Monday...

2011-06-28T09:45:00.001-04:00

My sister called me last night and after our conversation, she coaxed me into phoning my mum to solve their issues. Seriously, how do I get roped into this debacle, so easily?
---
Recently, I’ve noticed I have a huge issue with relationships of today. It could be my emotional detachment from anything committal or my surprising grasp on reality. Whatever it is, I’m left realizing what I don’t want in love, whether it is platonic or intimate. For instance, I don’t want to text all day long and when we aren’t texting, we are talking on the phone or with each other. That doesn’t show love. That represents trust issues that one or both parties have. I’m not living with you after six months let alone a year into this time taker upper. Not happening. Why? I’ll wind up in jail. Enough said. My friends will see me out without you, and I won’t be telling you all the secrets my friends tell me. Those are private, memorable moments that should remain unshared. There will be no cutting out of important people in my life, because of some personal insecurity, that could be dealt with after a grown-up discussion. Nor will you verbally or physically insult me in public or private because that will be the day you lose your tongue or hands to a butter knife. Catch my drift?

Ok. Don’t take me as cynic who believes love is all in the head, because I’m far from it. I believe in love. Actually, I’m in love with the idea of love. I mean, it’s nice to be with someone who enjoys your company as much as you enjoy there’s. Someone to cuddle with on a cold night. Someone to lock lips with as the ball drops on New Year’s. All very romantic and stomach butterfly inducing, but I just wanted to express the difference between love and lustful, obsessive infatuation.

Just think. The day you define yourself with this person, is the day you’ve lost grasp on who you are as a person.
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I’m probably the wearing the shortest dress in my closet, at work today. Ok, it’s not the shortest, but if I were to bend over you’d get a wonderful glimpse of my granny panties covered ass.

Yes, I am 24 wearing granny panties. Don’t judge.

Lennon the Cat

2011-06-19T21:32:00.001-04:00

1. I went on a date last week Saturday. Let's just say it's grea experience for what I don't want.
2. Pride in the Streets = amazing.
3. If I had one power it would be to turn back time.... to last week Saturday.
4. Why didn't I just go to 58?! Ugh.
5. Went to the casino. I'm in love.
6. D.C. by the end of July? Sounds like a plan to me.
7. I need to get my license.
8. Parallel parked Thursday... it took 10 minutes.
9. There was a lot of childhood regression going on last night. Creepy.
10. Getting paid in Grey Goose is like winning the lottery for the homeless. Maybe it's not, but I couldn't think of anything else.
___
I don't like being called cool, or popular because if I were either of those things my "awkward stages" wouldn't have lasted from 6th grade to junior year of college and I would know the necessary feeling of being in a relationship. If anything, I'm your dorky friend with the ongoing anxiety attacks that makes you laugh; typically at the ridulous things she says, that are only logical to her.
___
I think God intentionally places me in uncomfortable situations to get a good laugh when his day gets a little boring. Yes, God. I do understand I need to go through this to growup, but twice on the same street?!

Atleast I didn't trip, or poop myself.

It Smells Like Gummy Bears...

2011-05-04T15:06:00.001-04:00

I love gummy bears! I could live off of them, wine and chicken. Golden.

Well Mega smells like delicious Dylan Candy Bar candy and I don't appreciate the tool bag not sharing.

Selfish.
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A slight but factual observation. Why do black people always migrate to the back of the bus without being forced? There was a movement for civil rights?

Is it a cool thing, because I was far from it in middle school. So far that I once had a condom flung at me FROM the back of the bus. I was the black girl who always rode in the front of the bus. I was so close to the driver, I could whisper sweet nothings into his ear; but I didn't!

All I'm saying is that does no one remember Rosa Parks and what she stood for?!

Megabus, Say What?

2011-05-04T14:53:00.001-04:00

I'm bussing it to D.C. as we speak and so far it's cold. I knew I should have worn my parka or brought a blanket to sleep with. Fooey!

The lovely things about the Bus of Mega is that for you obsessive phone people, there is a phone charger. HOLLAA! That's right, I'm charging my phone as I type this. Be jealous. Wait, don't be jealous yet. There's WIIII-FIIII (say it like Oprah saying "a new CAAARR"). Ok... now be jealous.
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The guy in front of me just asked,"Do you mind if I sit in front of you?" Umm.. no. Do I run this town (I know I should but that's beside the point)? No... then why the fuck do you think I have the authority to tell you where you can and can not sit?

Because I'm a Princess.
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Check out my other blog for inappropriate photos of strangers, obsessive rants about my ambition of becoming a princess, marrying Harry or R. Maddow or at least having an affair with a royal lesbo and living in her castle as the "best friend".

Rudepeopleonthebus.tumblr.com

Bye April 26, 201

2011-04-26T23:30:00.001-04:00

- Homeless people love me. I don't know if it's my warm smile, innocent eyes or gullible face. Whatever it is they keep coming back for Lady T. Anyway, a new homeless peep to add to my little black book, thought it ok to address me as, "Hey Ma." As I didn't correct him or even ignore him, I'm sure I gave him the fuel to continue this fire.

Well, today, Williams aka Will (yes, we did get to that point in the conversation to exchange names) asked me on a date. I don't know if it was after his compliments-a-million, that I didn't reject that gave him the courage to ask me. This is my life.

And to show you what I was working with. He had a limp, walked with a cane and missing the top 4 teeth in his mouth.
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You know when you're parallel parking and tap the car behind you? What if the owner was outside and came to confront you? Better yet, as you try and get away (still sitting in your car) to avoid the ass whooping you are about to receive. You decide to drive away, hitting the car in front of you. You back up and hit the car behind you, again.

Just imagine the anxiety that will build up after all of this car bashing and fear of being beat. I hope you brought an extra pair of Depends.
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You know when your sitting outside of a restaurant; there are two of you but four chairs? Well a party of fivecomes over with and asks if anyone is sitting there.

Reality -
Them: Are these seats taken?
You: No.
Them: Can we please take this chair?
You: Sure!

Funny scenario-
Them: Are these seats taken?
You: No
Them: Can we please take this chair?
You: Umm...no.

Just Another Manic Monday

2011-04-11T13:52:00.001-04:00

I have a hard time forgiving people, let alone forgetting. I don’t know what it is. It could be a sense of self preservation, where you protect yourself before someone can hurt you, by typically not letting others in. It could be that I don’t feel the need to forgive, because if you loved me you wouldn’t have hurt me in the first place. Or, maybe, I’m just a stubborn mule that really doesn’t care for anyone but herself.

What I do know is that, I’ve forgiven my dad. It’s weird because I go through unexplainable emotional roller coasters where I can’t decipher the end of an old one from the beginning of a new one. And that scares me. It scares me that someone who has hurt me so much, can be forgiven so easily. No anger. No hatred. No animosity. Nothing. Just a pathetic yearning for him to fill 24 years of emptiness.

And sadly, it will be done on his watch. Not mine.

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In Nigeria, I was not allowed into church because my hair was not covered. This was 11 years ago. Yesterday, I attended mass and during Our Lord’s Prayer, no one held hands. It was disheartening to see a quick evolution of service practices, where attendance was about growing in faith and less connected to obligatory reasons.

Thing I Don't Understand...

2011-03-30T12:24:00.001-04:00

- Why do people walk past you saying polite greetings, but continue to walk as you are talking. Jesus Murphy! Just say hello... I don't care if you stop and chat with me. You saying hello, is nice enough.

My point is, I don't want to scream, "I'm fine, thanks. How are you?", because you've already made it to your final destination. Not cool.

- I know bathrooms are meant to be used. I also understand the occasional upset stomach, causing you to drop a No. 2 maybe even a No.3. What I don't understand is one destroying the bathroom so much with their bodily excretions, that no one can use it. Not even a wet wipe can fix the damage you have just caused to an innocent toilet.

What's even more embarrasing is when you have to send in an order request for janitors to start a mid-day cleaning ritual, because the "adults" in your office can't clean up after themselves.

It's not YOUR home. Have some shame and respect.

- Which one is stronger, the mind or the heart? If you are running and just can't take anymore, which one makes you give up first? Or if you are in love, which one controls the emotions making you feel that way.

Personally, I think the heart is stronger. I believe you achieve more with the heart because it makes you see things emotionally, while the mind forces you to work logically. And who really needs logic nowadays, besides lawyers?

- How do I look when I'm eating in front of people? I know of many people I can't look at while eating because their food debris decide to season my food due to smacking, nauseates me.

I know I don't smack, but I also know that if I eat the same way I act when drunk, it probably explains why I've only been on 3 (maybe 2) dates my entire life.

Deleting in More Ways Than One.

2011-03-28T12:27:00.001-04:00

What my mind thinks at random:

1. A man at this pizza shop/parlor/establishment/restaurant/eatery (seriously, what is it called?), offered me his jacket because I was freezing to the point of teeth chattering. Chivalry is alive.
2. Hilary wants to know what an anus looks like when pooping. Follow this link: http://good-times.webshots.com/photo/1280703337066145493qtPxJm
3. I was “Shazamed” the other night. Don’t know what that means? Neither did I until a man continued to hip thrust me while yelling SHAZAM. I guess that wasn’t enough because he started up again and “shazamed” me so hard I hell to all fours, like a horse. He then proceeded to ride me like a horse while still yelling SHAZAM. If this ever happens again, I’m punching a bitch in the face. No. Joke.
4. What goes through a guy’s mind when girls dance on them?
5. I feel like it’s a prerequisite to know how to dance because I’m black. Unfortunately, I don’t have that skill. Trust me. I’m not being modest.
6. Tunnels remind me of where Princess Diana died. I internally freak out until we reach the other side.
7. I’m not sure how to say this without being rude, but I’ll try. I think I hang out with/have met several aspiring educators of “tomorrow’s generation” and as much as I know their heart is in the right place, it makes me wonder. If this is what the education system has to look forward to, my children are being homeschooled; which says a lot.
8. Why is it that a lot of corporations have people named Richard, and prefer to go by “Dick”? Is this a backhanded message that corporations are run by dicks, or does society no longer have name integrity?
9. Most schools, and streets named after Martin Luther King, Jr. are placed in poverty run areas. What are you trying to tell me about black folks, America?
10. Cell phone alarms and notifications make me jumpy. I never know when it’s coming, but the anticipation takes over.

Garrulous

2011-03-21T12:13:00.001-04:00

I think I’m going to start a business. The name is still in the works, but this is the premise behind my multi-billion dollar conglomerate. So you know when you text people and they NEVER respond, or take hours to get back to you? Well, I would start a service which you could text someone and they would respond, within 10 minutes. The conversation could last all day or until your friends finally realize that they want to speak with you.

It’s a fantastic idea because though you have hundreds of contacts in your phone, you don’t want to start texting people who you rarely ever speak to, just to talk to someone. That’s not fair to them and people deserve genuine (or paid for) conversations.
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Growing up, I talked so much. So much that at times, I knew my mother wished that I had been born with no voice box. Oh how that woman’s life would be different today.

Today, I wish I didn’t have a voice box and was left expressing myself on paper. I’m sure my penmanship wouldn’t resemble that of a serial killer and I’d probably be the youngest author to make it on the New York Times Best Sellers List.
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I’m going to go the entire day without my phone tomorrow. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll crack under pressure. If you asked me this a few weeks ago, it would be a different story.
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I slept in my bed for the first, in over a month, last night. Though my couch is going to miss my child bearing hips digging into its cushions, it could use a break.
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Rudepeopleonthebus.tumblr.com

Cooler Than You

2011-03-20T19:46:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure what to blog about. I'm actually not sure where my mind is at the moment. All I know is that I'm sitting in Court's apartment while she goes to take someone home. Why am I sitting here? Am I hoping for something to happen? Is someone going to text me to randomly hang out? Probably not.

There is rush hour word traffic going on in my head right now. Words that if linked together may or may not form coherent sentences and sadly nothing can clear the air.

Great.

.... On another note, I have a another blog. Different from this blog in more ways than one.

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Did you know I'm going to be in the May 2011, Self Magazine IPad Application Issue?

Yes. I am that cool.

The Daily

2011-03-14T19:20:00.002-04:00

March is National Peanut Month. No joke. There are so many months out there how can one even keep tabs. I wonder when National Tillie Month is. You know what, I'm not that cool yet so I probably only have a day - October 14, people. Don't forget it. Anyway, to celebrate the month in the classiest of fashions, here are some factoids about NPM:

- Unilever recalled Skippy Jars from Illinois, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Iowa, Maine, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Virginia and Wisconsin due to potential Salomenalla Contamination. (Makes you want to scarf down a jar now, doesn't it Lizz?)

- This righteous month started out as National Peanut Week in 1941 and upped to a month in 1974. Hmm... so that means means by 2019, Tillie Day will turn into Tillie Week. Only eight more years... woop, woop.

- Peanuts used to be called "Peendars" by Thomas Jefferson. Ummm... sure?

- Peanuts have more antioxidants than green tea and broccoli.
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According to The Daily, working longer equals living longer and from their chart we have the life process all wrong. Apparently, being a carefree, animal loving, smile-y, single man means an early death. I am two out of the four....what does that mean?

Vortex of Surrealism

2011-03-14T09:01:00.001-04:00

Welcome to Pittsburgh; the Surreal Vortex of the United States. The only place where frayed jean skirts is a fashion staple, not a floor rag; where perpetual lies equals truth until you’re ratted out or caught in the act – and still one thinks they weren’t in the wrong; and where it’s normal your partner becomes best friends with the person you cheated on them with, rather than forgiving you.

Though Pittsburgh has nothing on the Surrealism of Chatham, it’s still safe to say Pittsburgh is high up in
ranking.
---
A friend told me that my action (eating sand) was due to childhood regression. I brushed off her incorrect diagnosis psychology babble. Now, over six months later, I think she is correct:

- I like to believe that I can trust, love and help everyone. You know the way an adult equals safety in a child’s mind? That is what I want to feel about people. As much as people incessantly prove this idea wrong, I can’t seem to let go of this theory. It’s like a bad habit that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to let go of.

- My intuition is typically right. Welcome back psychic powers.

- I still want to eat cartoon chicken. I know it’s not possible, but the way
technology is advancing every day, I believe it will be.

- I want my mummy.

- There is an unwavering love for human kind in my soul. Does everyone feel this way?

- I’ve pooped my pants twice in a year. Am I ashamed? I’m admitting it online, you tell me.

- Like a dismembered Barbie, I think bad people can be fixed. I believe they come into your life to show them love and the kindness of the world, and change them. Or maybe they hang around to make themselves not feel as guilty fortheir bad ways. Whatever it is, everyone has the power to change for the better. I did.

- As much as I don’t like theme parks, Disneyworld is calling my name.

- I'm teaching myself how to write cursive again.

---
As much as I’m regressing back to infancy,I no longer live in grown up La La Land. Unfortunately, I can’t say that for everyone else around me.

Fail.

Redrum

2011-03-12T09:23:00.002-05:00

Isn’t it quite a gesture of addiction when you give up Facebook for Lent? For me it would be either cracking instantaneously or winding up in an insane asylum. Or maybe it’s a way for those who aren’t addicted to give up something that means nothing to them. Either way, is this what Lent has become?
---
According to OC Weekly these are the five hardest things to give up for Lent:
Coffee
Meat
Fast Food
Fried Food
Desserts

But according to AmericanJesus.net these are the top 10 things you should give up for Lent:

10. Charlie Sheen – Ok… am I the only one who doesn’t know what is going on? Seriously, I haven’t followed him since his first outbreak and sometimes get him confused with Mel Gibson.

9. Book reviews for unreleased books – What?!

8. King James version of the Bible – Not sure what to say.

7. Justin Bieber – Done.

6. Pretending to see Jesus everyone – Does this happen so often that it needs to be given up? Weird.

5. KFC Double Down – OMG…. I saw a picture and nearly lost it. Too bad I gave up meat for Lent.

4. The internet – Absolutely not. I would take my own life… this is an even bigger addiction than Facebook.

3. Predict the second coming of Jesus – I’ve heard the rumors on the date due to the Mayan Calendar. I’m seriously concerned, as I’ve never dated or [redacted]. At the rate I’m going it’s going to occur after 2012 and would still like to be alive then.

2. Giving up the cliché Lent things that don’t help you grow in faith – I don’t agree with this. I mean you can give up nothing and make a vow to grow in faith or you can give up something cliché to prove your willpower, thus helping your faith grow.

1B. Shouting – I should probably do this as people think I’m a always shouting, but I’m not. I even have people at work telling me to speak up because they can’t hear me (and no, they are not deaf).

1. Hating everyone that doesn’t agree with you – Ha…ok…
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I hope to never become that person who shows their children’s photo to everyone, but I know I will. I already show pictures of the kids I babysat, because I thought they were so beautiful.

Ugh…. I can’t wait to be a mother.

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Doesn’t this make you want to be a Dare Devil?

VCA 2010 RACE RUN from changoman on Vimeo.

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I’m unsurprisingly still hurt.

I Feel Like A Woman!

2011-03-08T16:18:00.001-05:00

What I learned on the bus today:
1. Enrique Iglesias really does have a stalker. It's not just a ploy to sell records.

2. The next time someone places their bags on an open seat while people are standing, Imma snap.

3. People need to stop emitting Sulphuric smelling farts. We are in close quarters with the HEAT on. Ugh.
---
Things I realized at work…

1. My boobs are huge and aren’t
made any better that I sit at a desk, where they are on display for the
world to see

2. Paper cuts are bitch. They’re an
even bigger bitch when a new paper cut reopens a healing paper cut.

3. I have “moments” at work, which
consists of my arms wailing and talking to myself. I’ve been caught 2
out of 3 times it has occurred.

4. Rather than paying my $80 phone bill Saturday, I paid $173. I guess I won’t be shopping until Thursday. But on the brighter side, my phone is paid for this month AND next month.

5. I like to peruse the shops online,
at work. I bought a new phone and she’s pink. I’ll post a photo once
received.

6. Today is the 100th Anniversary of
International Women’s Day.
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In honor of International Women’s Day here are breathtaking stats about US, thanks to Google:

1. 75% of all women cannot get bank
loans because they have unpaid or insecure jobs and lack property ownership rights. Women are also 21% less likely than men even to own a mobile phone and therefore to have similar communication possibilities*.

2. Women perform two-thirds of the world’s work and produce half the world’s food, but earn just 10% of the income and own 1% of the property**.

3. Women constitute two-thirds of the world’s ~800 million illiterate adults (aged 15 and over). Educate a girl in Africa and she’ll earn 25% more income, be 3 times less likely to contract HIV/AIDS and have a smaller, healthier family***.

4. Only 28 countries have achieved the 30% target set in the early 1990s for women in decision-making positions. Worldwide, women are paid 17% less, and have less employment security than men****.

5. 99% of maternal deaths are preventable, but every minute a woman dies from pregnancy-related causes. Worldwide, young women (15 - 24) are 1.6 times as likely as young men to be HIV positive. Every 14 seconds, another child becomes an orphan due to AIDS-related deaths*****.

6. The abuse of women and girls is endemic around the world. One in three women will be raped, beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise violated in her lifetime******

*Source: UNDP and MWOMAN
**Source: WfWI
***Sources: Camfed USA
****Source: UNWOMEN
*****Sources: International Organization for Women Foundation.
****** Source: UNIFEM

Maddow Love

2011-03-07T16:34:00.002-05:00

Do people really think this way of homosexuality?I understand people’s views and as opinionated as I may be, I still listen to arguments of the other side. But sometimes I’m really turned off by what people think and then choose to speak:

“I believe if two adults of the same sex want to have a relationship that is their business. But when they ask society to give that relationship special recognition and privileges, then
we should be able to have a rational debate about whether that is good public policy.” – Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum

Last time I checked Ricky, love wasn’t public policy. So how about you think about what is good for the people you were voted in to represent, rather overpopulating our already overly
populated world with your seven children. Adoption does exist.
---
1. Her hair is really blonde and if I were white, I would want my hair to be that color.
2. I thought they were the McCain's at a quick glance. And they say all BLACK folks look alike? Yeah... ok.

To Live Doesn't Mean You're Alive.

2011-03-07T10:53:00.001-05:00

I'm the furthest person from being knowledgeable about sports, but it doesn't make me stupid. Sorry to inform the world but athletics aren't my life. Fashion, love, encountering new adventures.. the list goes on. Anyway, those are the things that make me.

So I may attend sport matches but they are typically for the experience or to support friends. It doesn't make it necessary for me to know or even learn the rules, if I'm in attendance. Obviously, I'm there to watch, not play.

Ugh... all I'm trying to say is that my life doesn't revolve around understanding NBA lingo, but our friendship revolves around the things that bind us together.

Be empathatic.
---
I was not what you would've called popular growing up. I'm not even sure what you would call me. What I do know is that I'm a dork and love it.

I think being a dork is like being a Lower East Side Artist; everyone wants to be one to follow the trend but only the true natives know the struggles it took to get there.
---
Unless you're flirting or bored at work, texting is the dumbest form of communication around.
---
I'm off the meds for good or until I have children and get an urge to pull an Andrea Yates.

Other then that, I'll just deal with the reaction: heart racing, body overheating and vomiting.

Sexy.

Eze est une Ville en France.

2011-03-02T17:54:00.001-05:00

Collaborations that need to happen:

- Nicki Minaj and J. Biebs
- Drake and J. Biebs
---
You know what? I'm sorry to say that the only reason Drake and Biebs haven't been to rehab yet, is because they're Canadian. As racist as that sounds, it's sadly true. Most of our teenage stars wind up in rehab a year after making their first million and hitting true stardom. None of this Disney Channel stardom that has you hoping some director gives you a shot over Dakota Fanning. And that's only because Dakota got a better offer from a respected director.

Whatever it is, Canada needs to stop being greedy and tap into our water system. Seriously, I want what they're drinking, minus the accent. They can keep that.
---
Eze is a city in France. I'm meant to live there; no homo.

Mardi Gras

2011-03-01T13:52:00.001-05:00

A month ago I saw a man limping down the street with a black eye and disoriented. No one but me was phased by this picture, which
unsurprisingly disturbed me. I mean, if I were to walk down the street with a black eye limping, I would hope someone would stop and ask me if I needed help.

Anyway, I crossed the street after the man had stopped to catch his breath and asked him if everything was ok. We talked for a moment and with his reassurance, I came to the conclusion that he was going to be fine.

I returned to my side of the sidewalk feeling blessed. I know it sounds crazy but I believe God is constantly testing us. I believe he portrays himself in different people’s bodies and tests us. Do we lie to the needy and say we don’t have a dollar to spare, as we are on our way to drop $50 on drinks? Do we stop and ignore the lost as they ask us for help, just because we don’t have time? What if that was us? What if one day we were stranded somewhere? Wouldn’t we want the kindness of another person to shine through and acknowledge us?

Helping others doesn’t occur due to naivety or Catholic guilt, it should
occur because of the natural love of humankind.
---
This past weekend I met some friends at a bar in Downtown. As we were sipping on our juice cups, a fight broke out next to us, literally. The man fell on my leg and a friend was thrown into the barrel designed table. My first reaction was to stop the fight, but common sense hit me and I decided against it.

Many things flooded my mind. Were guns going to be pulled? Was he going to kill the man? Why was no one trying to stop them? Where was security? After the men were forced to leave, was the attacker on a mission to finish the job?

We left the bar shortly after with no intention to return. Not even for a
Gaga after party.
---
Yesterday, I read an article about an inexpensive vegan restaurant in New York called “Little Lad”. It explained the benefits of eating natural and healthy. Anyway, the owner mentioned that stressed spelled desserts backwards.

Being the dork that I am, this obviously grabbed my interest. Palindromes are words that spell the same words forwards and backwards, but did you know there isn’t a word to describe a word that spells another word backwards? How ridiculous.

Hopefully they will invent a word that represents this beautiful miracle. Until then, I’m going to try and discover as many words as possible. My list thus far: rats to star; stop to pots
---
It’s hard to forgive and forget. It’s hard to just forgive.

On to the next one.
---
Lent equals no meat. Vegetarian Burrito Bowl, here I come.
---
As everyone in my life is going to the beach while I suffer in this
miserable weather, I thought of all the things they would be doing that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to enjoy; like running on the beach. I know I would never be caught running in public unless I was a size 2, but that’s not the point. The point is that who really runs on the beach besides the whores of Bay Watch? Seriously. You’d get sand in your shoes, in between your toes, fall in the sand divots, probably sprain an ankle from that fall and pretty much ruin your vacation. And because you will be recovering from your stupidity, you’ll be a burden on your friends and ruin their vacation as well.

My point is, unless you’re Pamela Anderson wearing floss and saving a
drowning fool with your floatation devices; please don’t run in the sand.

Rhyme. Time. Sublime.

2011-02-24T20:37:00.001-05:00

It's apparently impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

I'll prove this fact wrong
---
My mum used to carry toilet seat protectors in her purse in case she was forced to use public bathrooms.

My office bathroom has them in abundance.

Thank you PNC.
---
Everyone should check out statuses.tumblr.com

It takes Facebook statuses and makes it into a cartoon version.

Cute and innovative.
---
I'm looking forward to the summer for many reasons but mainly for ice.pops and the memories.

Ma Petite Chouchou

2011-02-23T13:44:00.001-05:00

1. She looks just like Nicki Minaj.
2. Why is it that I can read tumblr.com, Allure.com and Luckymag.com at work but not Blogger.com. Conspiracy.
3. Why when I'm dying for people to text me, nothing but when I want to sleep, the texts start flowing in?
4. My Oprah gets chopped off today.
5. My bestfriend explained why people want my attention and now i know I'll be forever single. Cool.
6. Corporate America is the reason ugly/comfortable shoes are still flying off store shelves.
7. I'll never give up on love. No matter how many athletic assholes cross my path.
8. France me manque, mais ma famille française me manque plus que l'idée d'amour. C'est triste, non?

The Good Wife

2011-02-22T22:48:00.001-05:00

I make animal noises, typically meowing or woofing. Sunday I was told meowing was the Japanese way of notifying the world you've farted.

I guess I fart a lot.
---
I saw B this weekend and many things came to mind:
1. I love how she dresses.
2. She makes going out or staying in fun... not an obligation.
3. She fancy, huh?
4. She is the one person that makes me feel sane and everyone else seem crazy.

I just need to channel her; always and forever.
---
Yesterday, I had the best mushroom soup around. I took some home and ate it for dinner today. Ok. I know you are probably wondering why I'm blogging about soup, but it's not the subject but the content that matters. I just love telling the world about amazing things I find.

Sale at Nordstrom's. I'm telling. Free burrito for dressing up like an idiot. I'm telling. Wax strips that rip off your bushy stache without leaving you bleeding profusely. That's right .. I'm telling.

Ugh... I just needed to tell you.
---
I'm tired of being the good wife. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut for the sake of others. I'm tired of handing out my affection like a Pez dispenser. I'm tired of taking what I can get rather than waiting for the best. I'm not cold-hearted, selfish or reading too far in between the lines. I'm just tired.... literally.

Goodnight.

Done on a Droid

2011-02-18T10:53:00.001-05:00

This week has been crazy. Two Mondays ago I started a job which I like.
It’s in Downtown, so it makes me feel like I’m truly doing something with
my life. It’s business casual, so all those tights and cocktail dresses I
saved for a rainy day have come in handy. I also wake up at the crack of
dawn (I don’t know what time that really is, but I’m going to use that
saying nonetheless).That’s right. Up at 5:15 to be ready and at work by
7:45. I never did that at the Crew. Each day was a different schedule
which kept my life spicy, but unpredictable (something I don’t need).

Sadly, I will say I miss the convenience of the Crew, but I think that’s
the downfall of everything in life; convenience. Things become so simple
that the challenges that make life worthwhile are demeaned.
---
I hate that person who sees you running to the elevator and doesn’t hold
it for you. Today that was sort of me except I stood in an elevator
without pressing any buttons. Ok… I can’t be that slow. Who walks into an
elevator and doesn’t press a button? How did I plan on getting where I was
going to? Was I expecting a fairy to fly over and press it for me?

There was no one waiting with me so when the elevator arrived I got in. I
waited a few moments but no one showed up until the elevator doors had
shut. I panicked and didn’t know how to reopen the door until I noticed I
hadn’t even pressed my floor number; leaving me an elevator that was not
moving.

I finally pressed the “door open” button to find a swarm of people waiting
for a lift.

Unfortunately, I don’t know which ending result is worse. The fact I
thought I was a hero for pressing the “door open” button, or when everyone
walked in I apologized and said I don’t know how to work this thing.
---
I’ve been crabby for a little bit. There’s obviously a reason why I’ve
been this way, but I don’t feel the need to share it. Yesterday, I had
lunch with a friend and I explained to her my situation. Let’s just say
our conversation changed my Adele mood quickly.

Thank you.
---
Shape-ups after sweggings and velour track suits will be the death of
fashion. I’m sick and tired of seeing people wearing Shape-ups to work,
grocery shopping or to school. You know what? I’m just tired of seeing
them in general and would like to file a formal complaint with Victoria’s
Secret and Skechers for producing such eye sores.

Sweggings – Sweatpants so tight you confuse them for leggings.

Hot Pockets

2011-02-05T19:33:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while and it's because I don't have the chutzpah. There is nothing inspirational enough to write or laugh about in the world. NOTHING. How could that be? Do you know how humorous this world is? I do. I mean I'm constantly laughing. Laughing about a friend carrying a picnic in her pocket, laughing because someone slipped on black ice while simultaneously spilling beer on themselves and I didn't even warn them, or laughing at how cute babies are.

Whatever the scenario.... I'll find humor. Why I don't have muse, is another question. Maybe I need some hooch.
---
Ummm.... I've been living my life by the 7 Deadly Sins lately and need to shift it to the 7 Heavenly Virtues, stat.
---
I didn't want to admit it, but I've never seen Step-Brothers either. FAIL?
---
If I played basketball, I would be good for one thing; free throws.
---
I'm cat sitting and have never been a cat person but this Pussycat is a phenomenon. He answers when his name is called. He is constantly nuzzling you and better yet, I swear he throws away his own poop. Ugh... unreal.

TLC

2011-01-27T13:24:00.005-05:00

She is 3 years old! I can't even look like this at 24....

---
Today while putting my laundry in the washer, I saw my missing socks in the trash. That's right. The dryer hasn't been eating my socks, someone has been discarding them in the receptacle. Not cool! What lunatic does that?! You couldn't have gently placed them on the stand next to the dryer? You thought it necessary to throw them away in the garbage bin with the excess lint. How disrespectful!! What if I happened to see you, shove you in the dryer and accidentally turn it on?! How would you feel? You would be offended, wouldn't you?! Now you know what I feel like.

I may have lost a little dignity digging my belongings out of lint trash, but I'll lose a little more when I find out who you are. Trust!
---

What does it signify when you date someone who looks, dresses and acts just like you or like your ex? Is that like a psychological issue that you have yet to come to terms with or something stemming from the ego that no one is better than thy?

Si tu as une reponse, dit-moi, s'il te plaît.

State of the Union Address

2011-01-26T11:40:00.003-05:00

When I was younger, I was all about politics. I could manipulate everything that anyone said into being unjust, ignorant or against the common good, just to hear myself speak for rights of people. Understandably, it sounds slightly egotistical but I was unhealthily passionate about politics. It was to the point, in high school, if I found out you were a Republican my mental judgment of you would have drastically shifted.

Things are different now and as much as I still clutch my purse around poor, gay, Republican, black folks, my desire to be nominated a Goodwill Ambassador still lives on.
----

Are singers really expected to know the lyrics of other musicians songs? I mean that show, "Don't Forget The Lyrics?" has celebrities come on to win money for charities but why? If I were famous, the only songs I would know were my own and the ones I grew up listening to; not the chic who is doing a cover of my No. 1 hit and making more money off of it than I did. Put them on a show that really tests their intelligence or survival skills, like "Are You Smarter Than 5th Grader?" or "Survivor". I'd love to see who really isn't a girl next door and cracks first; Anne Hathaway or Renee Zellweger.

My money is on Renee. She is from Texas and that has crazy bitch written all over it.
---

When it's cold outside, I usually decide whether to take my coat or purse for bulkiness reasons. On Monday I took neither. Not only did I not have a coat, I wore a dress that was a above the knee sans tights. I don't know if it was me holding my latte in one hand, texting in the other and being lost in Downtown without a coat that warranted the crazy eye* from strangers, but I'm sure my fingers were frost bitten once I arrived home.

*for those who don't know what the crazy eye is, it's when a minority gives a white girl a look for saying something stupid. Par example, "I thought you put weave in your hair because you were bald". This comment could also result in a donkey kick to the face and the crazy eye, but a crazy eye for sure.
---

There is a band-aid, neosporin commercial that really concerns me for many reasons:

1. Are there no more cute children that companies are picking from the bottom of the barrel? Come on people! Children are in their cute prime from 0-6 years... USE IT!
2. Why the hell do you think it's appealing to have colorful scary looking puppets, pop out of the bath tub?! When a child runs behind a couch because someone jumps from behind a TV to scare them; that's a sign that things popping out of anywhere is not friendly!
3. Seriously, Mum. You don't know how to take care of your child's booboo?! Ugh... Where's Child Protective Services when you really need them?

Enjoy the commercial:

Nicki Minaj Synonymous For Mogul

2011-01-19T23:43:00.004-05:00

You know what's more annoying than mugging someone who doesn't have any money? Mugging me. It would be like pulling your own tooth out with a screwdriver; painful and unnecessary. I don't know if it would be the hysterical sobbing, screeching like a mad woman or urination/defecation from fear but they would wind turning themselves in just to get away from me.

Sad? I think not.
---
I've realized how much people compare themselves to others and it's disturbing. Trust me. I've fallen victim to it many of times, but it needs to stop. Just because their ex was a supermodel, doesn't mean that you are any less of a beauty. Just because your sister was Valedictorian doesn't make you inadequate for having street smarts rather than book smarts. There is something inside of all of us that attracts the company we keep or the loves that we find. It doesn't make us less of a person because we don't match up. That is what makes us, us. We should accept and love every inch of our being.
---
A few years ago I started wearing jeans. I'm not saying I never owned a pair, but If I had a choice of wearing my Bad Ass Cat Ass pants and some dark wash denims. Cat Ass would have won. Hands down.

Anyway, I've grown out of the jean phase and needed something new. Like DRESSSESS (must be said in and Oprah voice, including hand gestures)! That's right peeps. This year will be about the dresses. Floral dresses. Fluorescent dresses. Shirt dresses. Sweater dresses. Maxi dresses. Sun dresses.Ugh... the list could go on but it won't. The point is Spring is around the corner and dresses are making a comeback in my armoire.
---
Screw you acid reflux.
---
Whenever I use my straightener or curling iron, I fear of not turning it off. Seriously. It's so bad that I've left my house and returned moments later because I convince myself it's still on. Sadly my OCD didn't kick in yesterday because after being out of the house for over 12 hours, I returned to find it still on. Really?! Of all the times I obsessively check to see if it's on, this is the time it wants to not be turned off. I swear it came on my itself just to get under my skin.

Anyway, I didn't involuntarily burn down my apartment but this is how people wind up homeless, begging for chicken scraps. A serious lesson to be learned here. Don't trust your appliances.

*sigh*
---
I've got a knack for a few things in life. Like resembling a carton of mixed sorbet as I walk down the street and being able to pull it off. I know. Not many are blessed with skin so chocolaty that these colors pop rather than wash me out. It's a blessing and a curse. Trust. Or choosing great workout clothes but rarely hitting the gym. Well, today it was different. While running on the treadmill in my pastel colored gym couture faces turned to admire ensemble (or because at minute 20 I looked like I was going to pass out).

Whatever it was, I was looking fly and I felt great afterwards.
---

Orbitz Big Pack with 35 pieces. This better last at least a week.

---
This is my 200th post! Thank you to all my readers for your constant support. Unfortunately, this isn't the Ellen Show so no one will be receiving $500 gift cards to Target.

Sounds Like A Fail To Me

2011-01-18T23:19:00.003-05:00

I’ve got this horrible habit of uncontrollably overheating when I’m around people I like. It’s like I’m fighting fever chills with how flushed my face becomes. Seriously. On Fourth of July last year, I got to hang out with a crush. I remember it was sweltering hot and I struggled to keep the beads at bay. Anyway, that embarrassing moment made me look like a pig roasting on a spit fire and that’s just sick.

Ugh... Not cute looking like a young adult going through menopause.

---

You have proven to not be a friend of mine, but a mere acquaintance.

---

Last night it rained which turned the snow into black ice. Now let me tell you something. I can walk in snow and I can walk in rain, but walk on ice? Absolutely not. I can’t even stand up while ice skating. So, a walk that takes a mere 5 minutes, took 20 as I slid down steps, held on to railings like I was a baby learning to walk and even thought about crawling the rest of the way home. What’s even worse is that halfway home I was pressed with a urination urge.

How it ended? Well, let’s just say I didn’t make it to the toilet.

---

Looking for a job has become a full-time job for me. No joke. When do I receive my first paycheck? My Dunbeazy needs groceries.

---

This no expectations life style has really kept me going strong. I have fallen off the wagon a few times and felt like a heroin addict going through withdrawal, but it’s a lifestyle change. It doesn’t change overnight. I mean this past weekend was a win, win, win situation and I believe it’s because I didn’t expect much (except for a few free juice cups).

I would ask for a better repeat this weekend but that’s asking a lot.

Dr. Seuss

2011-01-17T19:50:00.002-05:00

Today I watched The Cat In The Hat on PBS. Before you start thinking that I'm having a childhood regression moment, know this. I still watch Arthur and have no shame in my game so back, back. Anyway, I learned what it takes to survive as a bear during the Winter season and you know what that entails? Nothing. You eat enough to survive for the holiday season, make a bed out of branches and leaves, and sleep all Winter Long. If this wasn't the life then I don't know what is.

That is what I did today. I was a bear until I realized that the outside world was much more accommodating to real life and to humans.

---

Text lingo is one thing that I have learned to deal with but using incomprehensible text lingo on Facebook, demonstrates the education system of today.

Par example:

Derez only a thin line btw love n hate,n ryt now,I hate u wit a passion so take it or leave it I curse d day I met u....

Let me translate this into English:

There is only a thin line between love and hate. I hate you with a passion so take it or leave it. I curse the day I met you.

I don't know what is more embarrassing about the above. The fact that the writer is my cousin or I'm able to decipher that gibberish.

---

I like when I see people on the street from my past. It makes me love people more and realize how far I've come.

No More Discounts

2011-01-13T14:25:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my last day at the Crew. As necessary as it was for me to let go, it was painfully sad. I mean, it was a place that I loved and quickly grew to hate. It's actually comparable to a relationship. You know the ones where you stay together out of sheer necessity not because the spark that brought you together is still alive? Well, that's how I felt. I felt that if I dragged the pain out any longer it would have ended in fighting words and hatred; and that's not the proper way to end anything in life.

And I know that many said, don't leave until you have something else lined up but why? Why be unhappy for however long, just to make sure you didn't leave in vain? Just to know you had a paycheck keeping your warm at night? Absolutely not. I love shopping as much as the next fashionista, but material things can be put on hold if it means I still have my integrity.

So, at the end of the day, after buckets of tears shed, and an hour long phone call, I still left with my head held high and knowing I made the right decision.
---
Do you know how much I dislike the Winter? I hate it as much as I hate the holidays and the fact that they go hand in hand. Ooooooweeee, does that burn my biscuits! Nobody seriously enjoys the rigid cold, constant snow and germs floating in the air. Don't get me wrong. I tolerate snow just as much as the next Polar Bear but when I'm more afraid of slipping while running away from an attacker, rather than the actual attacker grabbing me; there is a clear issue that needs remedied.

Whatever, it's almost March and you know what that means... SUNDRESSES!!!!
---
I was looking through my photos on Facebook and I've come to realize that I let people take some really horrendous photos of me. The worst part is that I kept them tagged. Fail.

What's the 411?

2011-01-10T17:17:00.003-05:00

Today I saw a man walking down the street in a belted leather trench, a leather paper boy hat, black dress shoes and a Walkman. What's even worse about this situation is that I cared more about him wearing his Walkman with pride, than the fact he looked like he was going to bomb a school of elementary students.

I bleed for you, Sir.

---

I can't think of anything to write. It's actually really sad, because I'm constantly talking. What I'm talking about doesn't even have to make sense. As long as my brain is working, my mouth is moving. Sad. I know. What's even more sad is that I'm back to stuttering. Seriously, can I get a break with this issue? No? Ok... well I thought I would ask.

---

Have you seen the new Lunchables? What kind of crap is this. Turkey sandwiches with water and apple sauce. What happened to the make your own pizzas with Capri Sun? Ugh... my childhood is quickly being stripped away from me.

What next? No more high fructose boxed drinks?! Ridiculous.

5ive - It's Where The Party's At

2011-01-07T16:36:00.002-05:00

Conversation from last night:

Molly: I would always love going to my friends house because all we had to eat at our house was Ramen Noodles. Till this day, I hate eating Ramen noodles.
Me: I hate how they tried to class it up by making "special" flavors, like Spicy Shrimp. Really? NO!
Molly: I know!
MitaGe: I loved eating the noodles by themselves.
Me: Gross. My sister did that. She would eat them dry.
MitaGe: No. I would cook the noodles then save the sauce for chicken patties.
Molly: Eww..What is this cafeteria lunch?

How I love from friends.
---
I think the man in front of me just sneezed so hard he pooped his pants. I wish I had some Depends to help him with his predicament.
---
Last night was a friend's birthday party in Station Square. Can I just say that he had the best DJ playing mixes from the 80s, 90s and today. (And for those who didn't know, that's how you have a party). Anyway, before we went I told my friends that I have a better chance getting laid by a gay man then a woman. Seriously, I just wonder would I be promiscuous if I was still the same person but with penis? That's a serious question.

At the end of the night:
Schmo: One man said he would like to be reborn as Tillie.
Me: I heard.
Schmo: You were right, gay guys really love you.
Me: What did I tell you? I should be the next Madonna.
---
I only post 60% off the blogs I write. I'm too concerned with coming off as an egotistical, pretentious bitch.

I Will Not Be A Potterist

2011-01-04T14:46:00.003-05:00

I'm deeply concerned with how everyone has a web cam and how they use it. It has never once crossed my mind to make a video of myself reenacting a video, being silly or just hanging with friends. Isn't that what photos are for? To maintain keepsake memories. Whateves. As you continue to make movies (and millions), I'll continue to die inside (and laugh).
---
Today I had a mini Chatham Reunion. As we sat around replaying memories several things crossed my mind:

1.I never want to part from my Chatham friends. Many won't ever understand the sacred bond we have and that's ok. All you need to know is that it's comforting, warm and special.
2. Chatham Women should never date other Chatham Women. I know it has taken me nearly six years to figure this out, but I got there didn't I? Seriously, are we that sinister that we can't date our own kind? It's like a lion being forced to mate with a gazelle for its own safety. What kind of environment are we breeding these ladies in? Our slogan is World Ready Women but I think I'm more prepared to break hearts and cage fight than I am to live on my own stably.
Geez... what is in that overpriced Chatham water that makes us do the things we do? Whatever it is, I'm drinking outside the bubble from now on.
3. Where will we be in 5 years? I never thought I would be here when I was 19 years old, but I doubt many of us did either.
4. I have the most beautiful friends around.
5. I feel bad for the people who go anywhere with me. Something creepy always happens to them, and I blame my self.
6. We should write a book of all the things that occurred at school. Not only would be on the New York Best seller's List for best comedy, drama, and non-fiction that should be fiction. We will also make enough money to pay off our school debt and the therapy needed to repress those memories.

Welcome Back, Schmo!

2011-01-03T14:53:00.003-05:00

This is my first post of 2011 aka The First Year of the Rest of My Life. Sounds like big kid stuff, so the youngins best leave the room. Are they gone? Good.

You're probably thinking this girl is a celebate, drama queen and for your information only part of that is true. Guess which one? Anyway, I plan on making the best of good situations and the best of bad situations. As each year rolls around, it's like a fresh start and it's up to whomever to make sure it's amazing. And unfortunately it's taken me several years, even a decade to realize that everything does happen for a reason. If you don't want to hear it, I really don't care. The main issue with us is that we concern ourselves with the unnecessary; unnecessary drama, unnecessary hate, and most importantly unnecessary people.

Not everyone or everything is meant to be in your, but it would be great if the world was meant to be like that.

Tant pis. C'est la vie, non?
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The other morning I woke up in the middle of the night and was dehydrated. For some reason I thought I left a bottle of water next to my bed and started unscrewing the cap. Next thing you know I was vomiting in the bathroom. I had just quenched my thirst with nail polish remover. The taste stayed in my mouth until later that afternoon, but just the simple idea of drinking that acidic death juice was like voluntarily drinking antifreeze. Unfathomable.

All I know is that I'm 1.) alive and 2.) keeping all inedible items far from my bed. It still freaks me out seeing that nail polish bottle sitting on the floor next to my bed, as if it is ready to attack.

I shutter.
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Speaking of middle of the night. Why do we call it middle of the night when it's early a.m.? It just doesn't make any sense. I mean you can argue that middle of night sounds better, but we have been using this phrase for years that anything else would just sound weird.

Seriously, what if someone starting saying early morning or middle of the morning. It would just sound silly or as if the speaker is trying too hard to be different (Uncle Richard, I'm talking about you).
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You,

For all the people who are constantly on their mobile device "talking to someone", I know the truth. No one is on the other end. I've played that game a few times to avoid awkward situations but no one is on the other end flirting with you. Just admit it. For your sake and mine.

Much appreciated,

Me
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Why are librarians so loud? Aren't they the ones who tell you to quiet down as they are gabbing about wanting Keira Knightley's haircut? It wouldn't look good with your face shape. Now shut up!
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To the man who fell face down New Year's Eve,

I'm sorry for not helping you up, but what really concerned me was how no one flinched; not even your man friend texting in the corner. You were a grown man that fell to the floor and soaked my friend with your beer. Fail. Funny for us, but a fail for you.

Cheers from the Girl wearing the disco ball
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Ummm.... for all who didn't know, Schmoster is in town. We will be reeking havoc, breaking hearts and getting shitty. Ok. None of that is true, but we will be snuggling up to watch movies.

If I don't answer my phone or texts in an allotted amount of time, you know why.

You've been forewarned.

Keeping It Classy

2010-12-29T14:39:00.003-05:00

Recently I've paid attention to the hot messes that link up with other hot messes, and I die a little inside. I mean there are occasions where golden girls get linked up rag dolls, but with the proper guidance that shit gets clipped in the bud quickly. Anyway, I'm ranting about this superficial nonsense, because I've never been in a relationship. And what better way to get out on the market than by selling yourself. On what street corner? That's up to you. I'm here to give you tips, not guide you through life.

So here are reasons you should date me:

1. I can entertain myself. I don't even need you to talk to me because I'll probably do so much talking and laughing, I won't even know you are in the room.

2. I'm a great dresser. Ok. Sometimes I look a mess, typically when I waken from my nightly slumber. But on other days it's a walking Vogue issue.

3. I like to randomly purchase presents for people. Not because I'm rolling in dough, but I think little personalized trinkets mean more than a $4,500 Birken bag.

That's all I have for now, but I'll add more as they arise.
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I'm not a fan of hosting gatherings because there is so much, anxiety inducing work entailed. Trust me, I'm all for hard work with a successful end result. But when you go in with a mindset that everything will be gumdrops and lollipops, it's given to be an absolute fail.

So on Monday, when people that I barely knew came into my house, I was far from excited. I was afraid that they would want to do anything but stay longer than half an hour, but I was wrong. I went in with no expectations and it turned out to be relaxed with no stylistic pressure as everyone was in sweats and some hadn't even showered. We even got to know each other better than one typically does during the preliminary stages of a friendship (two words: red wings).

And for that, I'm truly thankful.

Thank you.

What Did She Say?

2010-12-20T00:04:00.002-05:00

The other night I was called sexy. This may seem like a lame thing to blog about, but when you have been called cute aka always the bridesmaid never the bride, this slides your mental hotness meter from Renee Zellwegger to Charlize Thereon; even for that short moment.

Seriously though, my sexy got me two free shots and three drinks that night. Wam bam, thank you, Ma'am.

---

The other day I did morning yoga with the oldies and all I have to say is that though dogman was not there, most attendees were breathing like humidifiers. Is this a normal practice of yoga? I know you are to focus on breathing but sounding like your constantly gasping for air is an issue you should check with your doctor about.

---

I still don't think you are real; just a tiny portion of my imagination. Fix it.

---

I think I'm finally letting go and allowing myself to do me. Not what everyone thinks I should do, but what I need to do for sanity and happiness purposes.

Finally, I can breathe.

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Sometimes when people talk about weight or how someone is bigger but still attractive, I wonder what they think of me. Is weight really that large (no pun intended) of a defining factor or is our society just that superficial?

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I lost my voice. I wish it was from eating sand or screaming at a Justin Bieber concert, but it wasn't. I'm not sure of the exact reason, but what I do know is that it entails being sick due to stress.

Make this pain go away...

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I'm not sure what happens to make people feel the need to lie, cheat and lose a sense of integrity to get ahead, but I couldn't do it. Guilt would either eat me alive or taunt me for eternity. No joke though. Do the honest never get ahead or am I just too passive to speak up when stability is on the line?

Wait, am I really calling that stability ?! Please.... 2 weeks.

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I never thought I would live in a world where you are forced to believe everyone is bad before believing everything is good. Unfortunately, naivety hasn't paid off thus far.

Duck Off!

2010-12-15T21:14:00.010-05:00

An atypical day of work:

1. People are more superficial than I thought, plus the beauty epidemic of being skinny is worse now than it was years ago. A lady came into the store today and shopped for herself and her sister. The woman was a size 2 and the entire store knew it because she kept referring to her sister as "poor thing for being a size 12." Let me tell you this SIZE 2, not only can my tree trunk thighs crush your toothpick legs in seconds, but they look better in jeans than yours ever will.

2. I spent all day behind the cash wrap wrapping presents. I'm a great gift wrapper, but I'm happy the day is over. I was about to run through the glass windows and hope for the worst.

3. I cheated and went into the GAP today. I bought 3 items, but that wasn't the best part. An older woman walked straight into the door. Let me re-enact so you can partake in the humor like I did.

The older woman was walking like she was on a mission, demonstrating it was obviously her fault. Luckily I was so enthralled in texting that I lingered near the entrance longer than necessary.

Woman: *mission walks and smacks forehead off the door.*

Me: Are you ok?

Woman: Yes. Is this door locked?

Me: I assume so as it's not opening. (Seriously, you just walked into a door and you ask me if the door is locked? This is a sick joke.)

Woman: Oh my...

Me: Try going through the other door. (I again shouldn't be telling you what is going on, as you just shamed yourself.)

GAP Associate: Did she just walk into the door? Is the door locked?

Me: Yeah, she did. Umm... I'm not sure.

GAP Associate: Is it locked?

Me: (Really GAP, do I work there? Stop asking me if you unlocked the main door... it's 3:46pm. You should have already noticed this.)

4. I don't work at GAP and the fact that I was shopping and asking for the prices should give you the proper insight to know I can't ring you out. Don't ask me again. Thanks.

5. PUMPKIN ROLL...

6. I need to get a New Year's Outfit as it is just around the corner. YAHHOOOOOO!

---

My Palm Pixi has officially died. Sprint has replaced my phone with a beauty I refer to as LG Optimus aka Olivia. Yes, I do name my electronic devices. Don't you name your animals? Then don't judge.

Anyway, she is amazing. The only issue is that touch screens aren't meant for me. They are meant for... no one. I can swype (Google it. It's real.) my text message or speak them into the microphone and the phone types them out for me. YAY and un-YAY. Yay for the fact it's so savvy and beautiful but un-yay to the fact that I text in paragraphs with a normal key pad. I now have to shorten my texts.

Oh well... that means I have so much more to say when I speak now.

Girl, You Know I Love The Way You Shake It In Them Jeans

2010-12-13T23:27:00.003-05:00

I thinkI love this songz...

Trey Songz Ft. Nicki Minaj - Bottoms Up (Official Video)
Uploaded by wonderful-life1989. - Explore more music videos.

Power Yoga And Its Friends...

2010-12-13T21:55:00.003-05:00

I went to heated yoga today. No not because I wanted to but more of I needed to stop making excuses of why I'm paying for an unused gym membership. So, I rolled myself to the gym and sat next to a man who was breathing like a humidifier and smelled like dog. Ok. I know we go to these classes to clear our minds and relax, but these are the things I notice when my mind is clear. I also think if I continue with these classes will my arms be as toned as the instructor? Or are all these people future yoginis? Or should my joints be able to bend like this without snapping? I mean I remember in high school when my friend and I would drag our limp bodies to the gym and I looked like I was attacked by a wilderbeast, but she was always made up with her bronzer, eye liner, mascara and lip gloss. It was normal to go to the gym unshowered but smelling of dog sir? Thats just vile.

Anyway, the hour and fifteen minutes went by faster than expected, and as an added bonus, dog man spoke to me about sitting in the hottest spot in the room. As a polite gesture I responded, rolled up my mat and left with my remaining unsinged nose hairs.

Maybe next time I'll sit next to a woman who smells of cat piss and farts like a horse.

The Supernatural

2010-12-11T17:41:00.001-05:00

Something to think about. Every night before you sleep or every morning when you awake, you say a prayer. A prayer for God to bless you with a wonderful person to share your life with but on the other hand someone is praying for you to move away from this Satanic lifestyle. Doesn't this put God between a rock and a hard place?

How about you pray for them to find someone that makes them happy and treats them right rather than worrying if it's a man or a woman? Isn't that what prayers are supposed to be about anyway? Kindness, love and charity? Or maybe during all my days of Sunday School, my interpretation lines got crossed somewhere.
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I've noticed a pattern in my life and the friends that I keep. My best friend from high school is horrible at communication of any sort. When we are together it's all about us, but when we are miles apart she won't respond to a text for hours but typically days. Or my college friend who when we first met she left an immediate impression on me. She was a first-year, I a sophomore and even being older, she always left me wanting more of her. Her talks, her inappropriate jokes, even a slight glimpse of her across campus could never satisfy the heart completely.

Now, today we are wonderful friends and even though both parties could benefit from a few COMM 101 courses, I know they care about me and our friendship, the same way I do.

Now what happens when you continue to meet people of this nature? Everyone talks of you but never sees you. Am I sane or is my imagination finally taking over reality?

Mission Impossible

2010-12-09T11:32:00.002-05:00

It must be amazing to receive one of Ellen's Twelve Days of Giveaway or a new car from Oprah herself, but what really gets my wheels churning is how they get it home. Seriously. Does the network spend thousands of dollars to ship their viewers thousands of dollars of free stuff to their respective places? Or are they forced to pay for excess baggage on their flight home? Or, the most intelligent of my hypotheses, are they given vouchers to get their stuff at a supplier once they return home?

No joke. This is making my brain hurt from all this thinking.

Mission: FAIL
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Recently, I've been so stressed that I have this horrible pain under my shoulder blade, which allows no sort of normal movement. It really does blow especially when I walk the streets like there is a stick up my ass, because I can't look down like a normal person.

The reason I'm saying this is because I asked my mum last night if she would support me if I left my job. I love my job. The people, the clothes and I've been stressed my whole life but I've never been stressed to the point of an internal growth. Anyway, she said, "Yes. If you return to Houston. I don't like Pittsburgh. It's making you be a certain way." Umm... That wasn't a proper response to my question therefore I'll take it as a no.

Mission: FAIL
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Yesterday a woman told me my perfume was intoxicating.

Mission: COMPLETE
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I'm not a fan of anyone my friend's date. My bestfriend's man friend; never met him, and don't like him. The chic making googly eyes at my friend at the bar; overt your eyes or I'll shank you. Your girlfriend of I don't know how long because I wasn't counting; we can socialize in certain settings but that took a New Year's Resolution or you winding up in a neck brace.

I know it may come off as I'm a territorial bitch (you know me so well), but I want only the best for my friends. None of that few and far between crap and trust me, people do make the winners cut (you two know who you are so no need to name you and shame the rejects). It's just that I'm very protective of the ones I love.

And believe me, my friends will never like anyone I become infatuated with because they just won't. I mean they don't even like some of the people in our group of friends, they sure as hell aren't giving a stranger a chance.
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I've got this particular hoodie for 3 years now and it has holes in the cuffs but I can't seem to part with it. No, it's not a midriff showoffer, it's just a little worn in the sleeves. I mean I can put my thumbs through the cuffs, but I don't.

Ugh so torn on what to do.

Mission: FAIL

I Am Happy, That Is The Saddest Lie.

2010-12-07T16:53:00.000-05:00

I said it then and I'll say it again. I'm a bear in hibernation. All I do is work, eat, sleep and go out on weekends. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I KNOW. Bears sleep all Winter and as much as I would like to roll into a furry ball and do as such, I can't. But what I can do is spend every moment that I'm not either eating or working, laying in bed underneath my hibiscus decorated comforter.
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Speaking of eating. I can't stop. It started last week. I've been having these crazy cravings for things like brownies and hummus. That's right, hummus. Why? If I knew I wouldn't be concerned about why I'm having cravings like a pregnant woman. And no, I'm not pregnant. It just isn't possible UNLESS it occurred by immaculate conception. I mean it is the holiday season.

Wow. Wait. What if there is a baby Jesus growing inside of me? I'd be the new Virgin Mary.

---

Dear December,

Why are you so unholiday like? Your acting the same way you did last year and possibly the year before. Why?!

All I've done is work my tookas off and what I receive are kisses of hate, rather than punches of love.

You watch your back December, because I won't let you win. No, Sir! Not this time!

Extremely upset with your lack of etiquette,

On The First Hanukkah Night...

2010-12-01T23:11:00.004-05:00

When I went to Nigeria in 1994 to visit my dad, I remember standing in this crowded non-airconditioned airport thinking about how much fun we would have in England, once we arrived. As all this excitement ran through me, I turned to the right to be slapped with the image of my parent's kissing.

I know that everyone kisses at some point in their life, but that image has always stuck with me. Till today, I can't stand PDA. Well, the kissing, sexual part of PDA anyway. Watching people kiss is like seeing a car accident, you just can't look away. It's bad enough I have a staring problem but having people think I'm perverse by staring is not the image I'm going for.

---

Today at work, 3 Jewish males came into the store asking if people were Jewish. If you answered "yes" you would receive a free menorah, if "no" they would leave you alone. Interesting, huh? Well it gets better.

An associate, who is Jewish, explained that Jews aren't to force their beliefs upon you, but they are allowed to make Jews, more Jewish.

I wish nuns would walk into the store and hand out rosaries. Mine is falling apart from all my praying.

You Lost Your Benefits... Sorry

2010-11-30T11:02:00.003-05:00

As a Catholic, I feel nothing but Catholic Guilt when I do anything. I look at someone with lustful eyes. Pow! Catholic Guilt. I see someone trip and fall, and rather than run to their rescue, I laugh. Boom! Catholic Guilt. I think about sex. Kaplow! Catholic Guilt. Get it?

Now every time I see one of those Mormon commercials, I think they are having more fun than I am. For instance, Chris Carlson who works at the Library of Congress in D.C. and rides his bike to work, twice a week (which is 60 miles round trip). Or Joy Monahan who always has time to ride the waves. How about that Cassandra Barney who is an artist, a bird kisser and mother? Doesn't all that cool stuff make you wish you were a Mormon and able to do what they do? I mean you can't do it otherwise.

Ok. I know they want to express how the followers of this religion are just like us, but I never thought we were different. Or am I just living in my bubble again where inferiority and superiority complexes are only fragments of the personality that still need developing? Whatever it is is, this is all I have to say:

I'm a shopaholic, unique and am afraid of the dark. My name is Tillie Eze and I'm a Catholic.
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I really am obsessed with J.Crew. No one, but other J.Crew employees will ever understand that feeling.

*sigh*
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A friend of mine had a dream where I did a Matrix move to duck a punch and then started wailing on someone. I have only a couple of things to say about this. 1. I have never punched anyone before, so that was exciting to me and 2. I'm probably a really great fighter, because I own boxing gloves. And for those that didn't know, boxing gloves mean business.
---

Recently, I've been back to my sick days. Don't feel sorry for me because it's my fault. I know I'm not supposed to eat gluten, but I just can't help it. Everything delicious happens to not be gluten free ie. dark liquor.

Anyway, to cleanse my body of my unhealthy ways, I've gone back to gluten free items. Like the delicious Rice Almond bread I bought. Mmmm... yummy.

At A Loss For Words...

2010-11-28T14:48:00.001-05:00

I've always wanted a year where I was dating someone, so it would be like a couple's holiday. Like getting a present from that special someone on your birthday, Christmas or Valentine's. Or dressing as a duo on Halloween (I actually think this is a cheesy thing to do with your partner but to each his own). Or texting during Thanksgiving because your aunt and mum are reliving childhood memories making you wish your Prince or Princess charming were there to save you.

Now New Year's is around the corner and I've never had someone to officially kiss, which doesn't really bother me anymore. I think I've learned to be grateful with what I have and spend more time looking for a festive ensemble instead. Then again, isn't the outfit the best and most important part?
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Speaking of ensembles, I recently got my hair relaxed. For you people who don't know what that means, it's the correct term for chemically straightening. Anyway, I've lived with my short hair for a little over two years now and I don't know what else to do.

I've thought about growing it out, but I don't want to go through that awkward hair growth stage. I want my hair to look cute at every stage. Yes it does sound shallow, but I went through that adolescent awkward stage for way to long. 6th grade - Summer before junior year of college to be exact.

So as an ode to stop my impulsive actions, I will wait it out to see what happens. If one morning I wake up and it looks like I took a hedge clipper to my head, I probably did.
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Today, while I was in Starbucks, a girl brought a router to use the internet. Literally the whole shabang. Seriously, the café's wireless isn't good enough for you? Or is your Mac too old to pick up wifi? Explain.

Speaking of Starbucks, during the holiday season they produce the Caramel Apple Spice. It's apple cider, with caramel syrup topped with whip cream. Or as I like to call it, Heart Attack in a Cup. I will never purchase this again. It tastes like straight caramel butter. For reals... If I wanted to drink butter I would have melted some down this morning but guess what?! I didn't!

Apparently, I'm still ranting about Starbucks, but this is the last gripe. The guy across from me is picking his nose like he is gardening in there. Hot damn, Sir! Have some respect for your surroundings.
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I love Kanye. He can be as cocky as a Chatham Hockey player but as long he backs it up with talent; it's all gravy, baby.

Now, I got the Kid Cudi album eons ago but never listened to it. My fault. If I knew such talent could secrete through such young pores, I would have had it on repeat when first purchased.

Anyway, Kid Cudi is a younger version of Kanye. Not a mix of Kanye and the beatboxer living on 106th and Park but just Mr. West. He comes off as introverted, closeted from the world but still growing in sound.

I guess I can say, I like him K.C. I like him a lot.
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Whenever you go to the ATM machine in dark hours of the day, the last thing you want is for some thief to know your whereabouts. But with that piercing beeping noise, I'll know your whereabouts from 2 miles away. Let alone the creep hiding in the alley way where the damn machine is "conveniently" located. Come on people! If anything were to happen, no one could hear the screams over the hyena dispensing money. Why don't I just tape my debit card to the machine with my PIN number on the back and called it a day?

Another life threatening mistake I've noticed with the automated assassins are they are located it the most dimly lit area with a bright light shining on YOU a.k.a The Prey. That's right every attacker can see you but you have no clue where they are located.

I just don't get it. People always complain about safety. How about you try and protect us? Ugh... So wrong.
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One thing I've noticed about retail is the savage beasts that destroy the stores and its merchandise. I know I've fallen victim to leaving items in the fitting room, but I don't leave it in such a manner that the items are forced to be damaged out because their unidentifiable.

It just makes me think that if I were on a desert island with these people, I'd be the first to go. As much as I am for cannibalism (not), I'd quickly resort to veganism but I can't say the same for the other souls on the island. I know that desperate times call for desperate measures but the line is drawn somewhere...right?

Babies 'R Us

2010-11-27T12:56:00.001-05:00

I've been waiting for it to rain white ice petals and finally it did; for a measly hour. What's even more annoying is that it didn't stick to the ground. When am I going to be able to make my annual snow man?! Tell me that Global Warming!
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I just want to add another star to my book of celebrity sightings; Hilary Duff. That's right. I did run into her yesterday on Walnut Street, on my way to work. A part of me wanted to stop her, ask for a picture and continue into my Black Friday Prison, but I looked too bad ass in my aviators to ruin my sexy. So again, looks won.

Who's in my book you ask? Well let me tell you:
Chris "Mr. Big" Noth
Mark Consuelos
Paul Wall
A.Rod
Hilary Duff
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A friend of mine is pregnant and when I found out, I was overcome with joy. It's so hard to be a mother, I think. I mean I don't have kids, but my mum went through hell with me. She's probably still detoxing from my horrid elementary school days.

Anyway, I love babies. Even as much as I love dogs. Specifically puggles named Rosie. There is something about their tiny hands, tiny toes and gumful smiles that make you want to protect them from the world's evils.

I can't wait to have children. I will dress them in little bear outfits when it's cold and have them be the most fashion forward babes on the playground. Plus with my several years experience as a Nanny/Au Pair, how could falter at being a great mum?
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Whenever I hear someones name or nickname, I have a horrible habit of sometimes changing it. It could be because I don't like it and I think my new invention suits them better (it typically does) but the real truth is that during one of my stutter-fests it came out as the wrong name and has just stuck.

Like the name TwoTone when it's obviously [insert name here]. Take no offense, but I really can't help it.
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I went out last night and I was thoroughly disgusted by the actions of some people. Your young. Go ahead and spit your game. But when your game produces herpes the size of Montana on your lip, I hope you look back and realize your actions were not sexy or even justifiable for being young. It was just trashy.

Ugh. Six girls in one evening. Wasn't anyone forced to learn about abstinence as Sex Ed? No... That only happens in the South? Hmm... I guess that explains a lot.

Scratch 'n Sniff

2010-11-26T13:46:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had that friend who loves to take you shopping, just to style you in the latest fashions? No. That's unfortunate, because I'm that friend to my friends. We all need it. We all need that occasional, " You look like Bozo the clown in that potato sack! Take it off, now!"

I know. Seems like harsh words but wouldn't you rather hear it from a friend that loves you and cares enough about their reputation to throw a little shame your way? Or maybe you prefer the obvious point and snicker routine coming from the homeless fellow dressed EXACTLY like you? It's your choice.

Your probably thinking why you are being subjected to such verbal abuse on such a glorious day. Today, I looked haggard. I felt shame (which is word I know nothing about) with my outfit and finally knew that some items in my armoire need to go.

So, if at anytime, your hoodie that you've had since high school that now resembles a cropped top, feels the need to become a part of your outside wardrobe (I'm talking to you, E.K.). Remember that your outfit not only offends me, but your hoodie is also begging to be set free.
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Everywhere I go I am stopped. No. Not because of my fly boots, my welcoming smile or to spare change (all valid reasons, though). I'm stopped because of the way I smell.

It's not that I smell like Pittsburgh's sewage system (which is rank) but I smell fresh. Whenever I hug people or walk past them, I'm accosted with such compliments. I can't help that I have a knack for fashion, writing AND choosing noteworthy scents.

So the next time I encounter you, feel free to take a whiff. Not too much, we would like others to have a turn as well.

11:25

2010-11-25T17:33:00.002-05:00

Gobble, gobble, everyone!

Today everyone goes around and expresses what they are thankful for. Many are thankful for being blessed more than the normal American, many are thankful for their families and lovers but this year I'm spicing things up. I'm thankful for me.

I know superficial and selfish but I'm being honest. I'm thankful everyday of the year for friends, family, etc, because those things are taken for granted. But I want one day where it can be about me. I mean, my birthday isn't even about me anymore! Come on!

So as you sit there eating your Turk-duck-in (obviously, I can't stop making a reference to that), remember how awesome YOU are.
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I hate phone carriers. Typically mine. Ok. Hate is a strong word but Sprint does burn my biscuits!

Please explain to me why my phone is in roaming while I'm in my bedroom. It would make sense if my room consisted of cement walls with a bunkmate named Trista aka "The Slicer", but it doesn't. I'm surrounded by windows leading to the outside world.

Or, maybe it could be the crappy phone I have. Never get a phone based on looks. Stupid. I know. The sleek design and cute name of the Palm Pixi does add the necessary push to purchase on impulse, but when it comes time for an emergency you're shit out of luck. By the time the phone restarts, voluntarily, for the fourth time, your bodily remains would have been discovered next to the Hudson River by a group of school kids playing with syringes. (I do love Law and Order. Thank you for asking).

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I went on a vow of communication silence today. I promised I would do my annual Thanksgiving text/calling, then leave the communication world for the day. FAIL.

I don't even know how I was sucked back in. What I do know is that it goes to show how much I love. Ok... That's a lie. I couldn't think of a better way of expressing my lack of will power sometimes.

Anyway, while texting a friend we discovered next year, Thanksgiving Day, will be our five year anniversary of meeting Mr. Big. That's right peeps. The real, Sex and the City, Mr. Big. (No worries. Jealousy is a common side affect upon hearing amazingness).

So to pay our homage (and hopefully run into him again at that same parking garage in Greenwich Village), we will take a pilgrimage to the Big Apple, next year. Hurray for tradition!
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Sometimes a kind word, a smile or light gesture can makes someones day. Try it. What you get in return may not be tangible, but most genuine things don't come with a price tag.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Still In Bed

2010-11-24T10:28:00.003-05:00

I just watched a commercial for a Pittsburgh dentistry that makes your visit more relaxing. What clever technique do they use? Sedation.

Really?! You think you're so ahead of the relaxation game that you use sedation before anyone else. Fail. I think it's a known fact that sedation helps relax you hence why they do this before operations. How about you try something innovative, like shrooms? They'll be so far gone they'll do their own procedure and you still make bank. Idiot.

Next...
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I was at my friend's basketball game last night and realized sports are just dangerous. Like last week with the neck injury, last night with the busted lip that resembled a pelican's beak. I just can't.

My children will not play sports but live in my Alexander McQueen home until I cut the padlocks off their room door.

I'm kidding. Maybe.
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The holiday season officially begins tomorrow, with the carving of that large bird. For you veganoids, it's the carving of the Tofurkey. Anyway, as much as I love holiday music, buying presents, and sharing cheer with everyone around me, I also openly hate it.

It's a time that if you are stressed out by the beginning, prepare to jump of a bridge by the end. No joke. People can be the biggest Scrooges around. Since they are in a rush to do all their holiday shopping, cook their holiday meal and make sure that all family drama is settled before dinner, they don't have time for this hubbub!

Not only that, it messes up your entire party/hangout time because you have to deal with all the madness. I don't like people disrupting my juice time let alone ceasing it all together. It knocks me off balance. Everyone needs a change of routine but changing routines doesn't mean being put on suicide watch. Ugh. New Year's? Hurry the fuck up!
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Speaking of Tofurkey, Turk-duck-in (it's real. Look it up.) and all the trimmings, my holiday will be celebrated in the most unusual way; cleaning.

I'm an obsessive cleaner and like to do it alone. Not so I can be completely naked, because I find that idea to be stupid. Who wants to get acidic chemicals in their private areas, never know it's there until 6 months later when it's turned into a massive growth? Not me. Safety first people! Anyway, I like cleaning alone because no one is in my way. Duh!

I can't wait for my roommate to return and be knocked out by the smell of Pine Sol. Mmmm...lemon fresh.

Me v. Me

2010-11-23T07:39:00.003-05:00

What if people made up your persona from what you put on your Facebook page? I mean you obviously put the information that you think makes you, you. But does it tell your story? Does it tell of the inconsistencies you have in your everyday life or does it portray you as a martyr?

I've been thinking about this lately as I sit around wondering what is wrong with me. Besides the everyday crazy comments, irrational outbursts, and the way my face tells what I'm saying before even speaking; I wonder what people think of me based on my page. Am I the girl you want to date or just a friend? Am I an educated comedian or do I steal my life lessons from iconic figures of the past? Am I confidently humorous or a cocky narcissist? Most importantly, do I live by the words I place online?

It's hard to portray your true self on print but that could be the only shot you get. Let's just hope I'm given more of a chance than my Facebook autobiography.

Peanut Butter, Presby Time

2010-11-16T00:21:00.004-05:00

I've realized I'm a pessimist. I'm an optimistic pessimist and I think we are the worse kind. When our glass is in fact half full, we decide to dissect it just to prove how there are two sides to it being half full or empty. We just can't take a good thing as that. It winds up being a great rush that we kill by overanalyzation and self-criticism.

It's just difficult to see everything on the sunny side of nothing, when shit happens more often than usual. I could also be rambling because I haven't slept in a couple of weeks. My body and mind are slowly yet quickly falling apart and all I want to do is love. A mixture of unrelated things that unsurprisingly make sense in my mind.

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I love you CLC. You better be up for me making you laugh your pants off tomorrow evening.

Celebrity Sighting

2010-11-05T12:08:00.002-04:00

I've met a few celebrities growing up: Chris "Mr. Big" Noth, Paul Wall and Mark Consuelos. They kind of just flock to me, like baby's to dogs. Anyway, When I was in high school, my mother took a trip to Nigeria. While in the airport, walking to her connection flight, she was stopped by an elderly man asking for directions. Of course, knowing Gatwick Airport like the back of her hand, she pointed him in the proper direction, chatted with him for a few moments and went on her merry way. Let me forewarn you. Nothing fazes my mother. You can tell her she is to dine with the Queen of England and her next comment would relate to her new shoes. So it didn't come as a surprise when she returned home, two weeks later, she informed us of her encounter with Sean Connery. My mother has met many celebrities and has never asked for a picture, an autograph or even the selfless act of climbing into her suitcase, so her children have a new playmate. UGH!

Why do I tell you this story? I just finished watching the Price is Right, where Nigel Barker did a guest appearance. I'm not a fan of Nigel nor do I care what he does, but if I were in an airport providing him directions, I would ask for a photo. I mean my mum loves Sean Connery. She raves about his movies and even thinks he is handsome. I just don't get why she doesn't think the way I do.

Jersey Shore Reunion

2010-10-31T20:59:00.005-04:00

I got a spider ring last night. Don't make me mad because you will be receiving that photo.

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I don't like people. They just really annoy me. Is it possible to live in my friend bubble without meeting or dealing with new people? No? Hmm... well I'll figure out a way.

This is the thing. I work with people everyday. I bend over backwards to please them and make sure their shopping experience is the best it can be. Oh you want that discount that expired TWO YEARS ago? Sure. You want me to open your car door so you can get in? Absolutely. You want me to wipe your acne infested bum? Already done.

As crazy as the stories are from working in retail, I wouldn't want to work in any other industry. It's a new ordeal everyday and it keeps my life spicy.

---

I've come to understand that people are not oblivious to the things they do. They do it with a secret intention and an expected end result in mind. Not always but typically. And I understand the negative connotation that the word "intention" carries but its definition speaks with neutrality.

Anyway, the obliviousness needs to no longer be used as an excuse. DONE!

L-O. L-O. L-O. L-O-V-E.

2010-10-17T23:37:00.000-04:00

Today I decided to stay home, do some laundry and watch a movie. After scanning through my vast 12 dvd movie collection, I was left popping in Love/Actually. I know what you're thinking. "Typical chic flick." Oh naïve one. Only someone who judges books by their cover would think such blasphemy. This film was based on a premise that is hard to explain but easy to do; love.

Love is an undeniably strange emotion. Idea. Action. It makes you change who you are and want to be. It makes you think twice before complaining about taking out the trash or taking the last piece of apple pie, even though it was made especially for you by your mum. It makes you explore parts of yourself and the world that you otherwise would have easily ignored. It makes you realize the world may be your oyster, but it's a lot nicer when your sharing it with someone else.

Love is the only thing that is hard to explain, but never needs an explanation. No one knows why they love someone so wholeheartedly but they know they never want to lose that feeling. The feeling of constant ease, clarity and warmth. The feeling everyone deserves but many deny themselves of. It's the greastest of all blessings and teachers of life lessons.

Now, go share your oyster with someone you love. The gift you'll receive will be more valuable than a pearl.

A Fresh Start

2010-10-14T00:15:00.003-04:00

It's time to officially follow my dreams. No more dreaming the life but living the dream. It's been less than a year and I've been promoted twice. That seems great and trust me it is, but I'm still living here, in Pittsburgh. And by the looks of my first posts when I started writing, it wasn't the place I wanted to be. In actuality, I wanted to be far from here. But why am I still here?

Is it because I can't leave my friends? Is it because I refuse to change my mundane lifestyle, to something new and exciting because bonds that I've formed will most likely die? Or do I continue to make excuses for myself as a reason to not be where I should be? Hmm... sounds like more excuses.

So now that I'm a officially a year older and I'm being given a "another" chance I need to finally take care of me. Not the homeless man on the street. Not the friend who thinks it pertinent we get shitfaced even though I have to work at 8am the next morning. Not you but me.

So as a birthday treat to myself, I will email, snail mail and fax those resumes to my future employers in NYC.

The Truth Hurts

2010-10-03T20:29:00.002-04:00

The truth hurts whenever you tell it like you really feel. What hurts more is when you know the repercussions, before they even happen. With that in mind you still take that chance and decide you can't always sugar coat things while you hurt inside. So, they ask and you tell the truth. The truth that also winds up hurting you. Hurting you to the point of wanting to cry but you don't. Hurting you to the point of wanting to vomit. Hurting you to the point of returning to that depression slump you've become used to not living any longer.

I guess there is a time and place to tell the truth or maybe people overestimate how mad I can get, so they respond with an unnecessary guard up.

Lucky Me

2010-09-20T12:02:00.000-04:00

I love fashion. I love writing. These are a couple of my true passions, that no one can take away from me. It's been a life mission to write about fashion and later become a PR Director of a fashion showroom; preferably private labeled.

Today at the gym, I flipped through a Lucky Magazine and all my inspiration came back. My internship in New York that had me rushing through the streets like a mad woman. My visit to Ports 1961 that later became another friend in the fashion world. My sleepless nights that made me yearn for the true New York life. All this and more are pushing me to search the world of freelance.

Mes rêve. Mon vie. Mon amour. Bonne chance à moi.

Sara Says Hi...

2010-09-19T21:34:00.003-04:00

I promised this video a few days ago. I was slacking...

Frozen Cosmos for Everyone

2010-09-19T00:35:00.001-04:00

I have this horrible habit of waiting for the unknown. For instance, I make plans with people and wait for them to "Let me know". That's fine and all but really do I want to sit around for hours hoping that you will call? Or hope when I wake up the next morning you would have responded with "I would have liked to see you too", just to know you care a little? Better yet, hope that me not traveling somewhere because this weekend could be amazing, was worth it? I don't and I shouldn't feel I'm disappointing someone by wishing and waiting so I don't look like the desperate idiot, when I really do have good intentions.

I think I'm done with that characteristic flaw. If anyone wants me they know where to find me. It doesn't mean I'll answer to every beck and call, but I'll try my damn best to not come off as a douche.
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So if you like me or have a slight interest in me that exceeds just friends DON'T:

1. Play 21 questions. Let's have a normal conversation then tell me you have some interest. Guessing games are annoying.
2. Lead me on. I will grow a disdain to the mere mention of your name. I'm very straightforward, sometimes too much, so I expect the same respect.
3. Have others interrogate me, for you. I'm in my mid 20s (well will be in less than a month), and have enough guts to inquire about your entire life, to you. It's attractive if you can do the same.
4. Not respond to my messages. Even if it's hours later. If you feel nothing, keep it platonic but show like you were raised with proper etiquette and respond.

Yep... That's it for now.
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Tonight I was talking to a friend about how texting is the bane to the cell phone existence. It really is and because society has relied on this technological advancement, where is the line drawn for intimate, deep conversation? Actually, how do you define that? It's like translating one language to another. So much meaning and emotion is lost along the way and misinterpretations quickly arise.

Ugh. It's bothersome, so as my oath to correcting this misfortune. I will text only what is urgent, necessary or a little comic relief.

Girl Scouts Honour!

My Day, My Week, My Month Has Been Made.

2010-09-15T18:08:00.000-04:00

Move over Robyn, there's a new lady in town. Ok. She really isn't new nor should you have to move over but give her 50 feet (I hope you all know the song reference. If not, lame). Anyway, it's all about Sara Bareillis right now and no one can knock her talent. Especially you, untalented Tay-Tay Swift. What was that thing you did at the VMAs because you sure as hell can't call it a performance?

Anyway, back to true talent. Sara B. released her sophomore album September 7 with "King Of Anything", a track that makes you gain an element of self-worth. You know that self-worth you lost when you were dating that horrid mongral, or when you became so plastered your outer body experience made you question how you still had friends the next day, or when you tried to be something you weren't just to please every Tom, Dick, and Harry. We've all been at one of these points, so don't deny it.

I'll be posting the video later today.
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Can you please explain why the only news that I enjoy watching, features the saddest stories? BBC World News just had a story on the famine in Niger. The videography was brilliant, as it should be nothing less than, but it made me want to sell all my things and donate that money to Niger. Understanding how corrupt the governments in Africa can be, how would I be able to get it to the proper people without the volume being syphooned out for impractical usage? Ugh.

I weep.
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I should be a music video director or creator. I would just plan out the ideas, the story, the plot, whatever and someone else would film it. For almost all songs I here, a video replays in my head. Not the official video but the masterpiece my mind creates.

You just don't know what brilliance this mind concocts.

You Don't Know Me, Son!

2010-09-14T20:22:00.004-04:00

I worked out yesterday and did these crunches that are to work my lower abs. Let me just say, this lingo goes over my head like the idea of eating vegetables. (Yes, I am like a child most of the time.). Anyway, I thought I would be prepared to workout the next morning, but false. I woke up with sore muscles in areas that I didn't believe I even had. Not only does the pain hurt but whenever I laugh (which is all the time), it worsens. Why must I be such a jolly person?!

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I'm going through a hard time of explaining to people or portraying to people how I'm not intimidating. I don't think these innocent chocolate brown eyes could ever hurt anyone, let alone show intimidation. Ok, that's a lie. You will probably feel intimidated by me, if you do the following:

1. Don't come around me if you say ignorant things. I just don't have patience for stupidity. None.

2. Don't come around me if I don't like you. I know it's hard to do that sometimes but it's very apparent to know when I do or don't like you. Regulate.

3. Don't knock my funny. I don't care if people tell me I'm a trip, or the funniest thing since Wanda Sykes. I crack myself up and that's all that matters. So telling me I'm not funny or try downplay my humor by shutting down my laughter does nothing, except encourage my venomous tongue to bite you with insults.

4. Don't yell your conversation to the point I can't hear the conversation occurring at my table, or my ears bleed profusely by the heinous sounds spewing from your vocal cords because 1. you will get the death stare or 2. blunt knife in the jugular. No questions asked.

So follow these rules, and you will be able to see the real me. Cheers.

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I think of the most outrageous things, that questioning my sanity is an everyday occurrence. Here are a few of them:

1. Cucumbers are good for you. Pickles are pickled cucumbers. Are pickles still as nutritious as cucumbers?

2. What about me portrays,"Come talk to me homeless look-a-like. I like what you have to say."? I actually think nothing but it happens oh so often. Too often if I do say so myself.

3. What if I stayed in Houston? What I attended St. Bonaventure instead of Chatham? What if I stayed in New York and never returned to Pittsburgh? How would my life be different?

4. When is it ok to be that crazy girl, who is persistent in everything that she does, to be persistent in love? Is there a point when it's looked at as crazy, or just being a go getter? Oy.

Just some of the things that cross my mind.

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I have been very tired lately. Like so tired, I'm knocked out and nothing can wake me but when I am woken up, it's hard for me to 1. know where I am and 2. respond in a way that doesn't demonstrate I'm close to death.

Oy. I'm so tired now.... let me sleep.

Kanye - Undeniable Talent

2010-09-12T23:14:00.001-04:00

Everytime I think Kanye one-up himself, he proves me wrong.

Hiatus

2010-09-07T18:00:00.002-04:00

I'm taking a madness hiatus. How do you like that world? You don't? Neither do I. That's why I'm not taking a hiatus on madness but learning to be patient. You know they say patience is a virtue along with charity, temperance, humility, kindness, diligence and chastity (which I know a lot about).

The thing is I want everything when I want it. No excuses, just my way. This, overtime, has made me used to a lifestyle only my mum can supply and expecting it immediately. In other words, my non-deserved self-entitlement has bitten me in the ass. As I certainly deserve.

So as a tribute to my new life alteration, I'm looking forward to a more patient, calm life.

Ummm... Help Me Understand This

2010-09-03T19:10:00.002-04:00

Why is that women are strong and capable of doing whatever they need to do to be them, but once they need some loving it's not seen as strong and independent? It's just a woman being a woman? Well, let me clear one thing up here. Women are the strongest mammals living on Earth and if you ever want to fight me on it, let me know. I can't promise you won't leave without crying, a bloody nose or missing a limb, but I can promise you will leave on a different perspective on women.

So, what should you have learned from the above? Women don't need you until, they want you. It may be hard to digest, so I'll give you time to take it all in.

Just a Little Help From My Friend

2010-09-02T21:00:00.003-04:00

I typically have the help of Mr. Gin and Juice encouraging me to say things that I just couldn't say otherwise. Like transforming the typical "I think you're a bitch" to "I think that you are a stuck up, boob and that is why you have no friends". Unfortunately or fortunately, however you see it, I haven't been drinking that often to give me the confidence needed. So, I've had to rely on myself which in the coming months will change my life drastically. For the better? I don't

know. For the worse? It better not!

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I'm typing this on my phone so it's difficult to maneuver, but I've started taking blog requests. My next entry will actually be a request from a dear friend who refuses to come visit the 'Burgh!

Overpriced and Rude

2010-09-01T18:44:00.000-04:00

Memo to Whole Foods Customers:

You are the rudest, eco-friendly, douche bags I have ever met. Seriously, you are. Just because you are helping the environment by being organic and composting, doesn’t mean you had to lose your sense of etiquette, you sick son of a bitch. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you really need a cart when it’s apparent that you are only buying hummus? And do you also need to park this cart in aisle 1 while you browse in aisle 8? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

And Blondie, if you ever use your cart to shove me out of the cooked food area again, when you obviously saw me there first, I will thrust that cart into your ribs with my child bearing hips. There was no need for you to hover over the disease guard like the food was going to run away. Trust me. The chicken was dead and could no longer move. You had nothing to worry about. Side note: It’s called a disease guard to guard us from your boorish disease. Back away, Ho!

Oh and Grandma. You think I forgot about you? Nope, I didn’t. It shouldn’t take 10 minutes to decide what flavor ice cream you want and if it does take that long move your cart out of the way so it doesn’t block two freezer doors. RUDE!

So Whole Foods Customers, while you pay $10 for organic peanut butter that could have been free by grinding your own peanuts at home and composting your egg shells for mulch you will probably never use, I’m going to be shopping at my local grocery store where people enjoy their pesticides.

Looking fashionable while shopping as you wear ill-fitting tapered pants,

Me
P.S Organic = Expensive
Composting = Smelly

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I set excess alarms because of my fear of forgetting something, or not waking up for something important. Just a side not.

Definiton of Love

2010-08-30T12:19:00.002-04:00

What is love? Does anyone really know? Is there one set definition? Or is love one of those philosophical creations that can be bullshitted, to fit everyone's liking? I will go with the bullshit.

Today I got into an argument with my mum. As typical as this sounds, it actually hurts me when I do. It's not like I lie to my mum... often. I just don't talk to her about my life. In all honesty, I don't talk to many people about my life. It's not like I don't want to either, I'd just rather figure things out on my own. Anyway, at the end of this arguement she brought up the lesbian thing and I just didn't want to talk about it. I know how she feels. I know how my sister feels. Trust me. It's not something I'm rubbing in their face, or forcing down their throat. If anything, I don't talk about it for them. To save them the "shame".

So what I learned is that I need to give men a try or I need to live the single life but devoting it to God. Children out of wedlock is an absolute no. There isn't room to live the life as a lesbian. There isn't room to romantically love a woman because as we all know, that's a sin.

Anyway, I didn't even argue back during this dispute. There was no point. There was no point to fight for love, because I don't have one. But when the time comes, who will I fight for? Love or "religion"? That's what scares me.

JumpStart

2010-08-22T20:50:00.002-04:00

So I’ve found a way to make my ass stay on the treadmill for more than half an hour without listening to my WORK IT mix on repeat. TV. Yeah, my gym is so elite in comparison to your at home stationary bike that our machines have televisions equipped with cable for us to stay longer. Probably more so for them to charge us those elite prices as well. Anyway, JumpStart on VH1 is my excuse to stay on for an hour and learn about the rising artists and decide whether or not I’m in love or disdain with Airplanes by B.o.B ft. Hayley Williams.

For the record, I’m in love.

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Events. Events. Did I say events? Just checking.

Gripes

2010-08-17T13:33:00.002-04:00

Pittsburgh. The only place where up is down, blue is pink, and looking like a leprechaun other than St. Patty’s Day is ok. Now why is that I’m shocked that jean skirts circa 2002-03 and frayed shorts circa never are still sold at respectable retailers ie. le GAP? The real question is why are they purchased in such high quantities that such retailers are forced to replenish their stockrooms and service floors?

I just don’t get it, Pittsburgh. I just don’t get it. It’s not like these fashion faux pas, are iconic pieces of art like pencil skirts. NO! They are irregular jeans factories decided to save by cutting into walking trash. There you go. I said it. Frayed shorts and mini jean skirts are expensive pieces of trash. And when you walk down the street wearing these shabbily made items, I die a little inside; for you.

Ugh.

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I went to my first Steelers game on Saturday and it was great. Actually, it was life changing. Why? I was so close to the field I could have jumped on players...If I were a gymnast or drunk enough. It rained a little but luckily I borrowed a man’s jacket to shield myself. My friends on the other hand looked dapper in their corduroy hat, Steelers Jersey and tank top. So they had nothing to worry about as the sprinkles turned from sprinkles to torrential downpour. Unfortunately, my mood immediately shifted when the previous jackets owner had the audacity to ask for my new jacket back. That was our cue to leave. I didn’t even get to leave with my new Member’s Only memorabilia. Boo on you, Sir! Boo. On. You!

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Why is it that people feel the need to act different in front of certain people? Par example, Mary Jo is different with her boyfriend’s friends because she wants them to think she is the best girlfriend around. Even when she is in front of her besties, she acts like she is the most caring, lady like, girl you’d ever meet. While in reality, she’s the sorority whore. ‘Nuff said.

Now let me tell you this. I don’t know if I’m too lazy to pretend to be a different person in front of certain people or I think that you have to accept me as me or we can’t be friends. I don’t know. What I do know is that, no one except, Jesus Christo could ever make me be like this. Why do people do it? I mean it doesn’t necessarily make you two faced but you don’t present your true colors either. For instance, many people act different in front of people they like or are dating because their partners don’t like that. Well I say, “Why are you trying to silence me?” or “Stop hindering my creativity?” Nice, right? Try it! Just don’t start shedding tears. People may think there is an actual situation and want to intervene. And we aren’t going for a Jerry Springer Show, or are we? Hmm…

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Do I like to stereotype? Absolutely not. Is it easier for me to lie on a blog than it is face to face? Yes. Now, was my first question and answer a lie? You tell me.

Whenever I go out in public and see black people insult their children to the point of suicide, a part of me wishes I wasn’t around. Why? Because I am grouped with the unnecessary physical and verbal abuse of a child, just because of my skin color. Don’t get me wrong. If a child misbehaves, don’t wait until you get home to discipline them. Do it right then and there. But if you ask them what flavor juice they want and they can’t decide and you the parent choose to make a scene by insisting you will beat them for not choosing. There is an obvious problem with you, not them. They are 8 if not 10 years of age. Cut them a fucking break. Ok?

Now, my white friends sitting there thinking. Yeah! You preach it sister! No. Don’t ever say that because when your child is running amuck and you are forced to put them on a leash like a dog. That too, is an issue. You gave birth to them and unless you are a dog, they should not be on a leash.

So races of the U.S.A, before you want to judge us foreigners for using backwoods tactics to raise our kids, remember this. Foreign children will not be seen on a leash, and the parents choose the juice flavor not the child. So, shut your face!

It's In Heat!

2010-08-13T17:07:00.003-04:00

If you’ve been reading my blog you would have noticed several things about me:

1. I’m probably the coolest person you will ever meet or in some cases read about. As you let that digest, I’ll continue formulating this list.
2. People like me are hard to find, so stop looking.
3. No. I’m not always intoxicated that’s just how I act.
4. Crying is possibly an everyday occurrence.
5. I have high standards for everyone around me; very few live up to them.
6. I’m particular about everything. Ok. Most everything.

With that being said, here is something that really burns my biscuits: automated crap before speaking to a real person. I don’t want to dig through my purse or as many would call, my suitcase and find a debit card to punch in a 16 digit number to help the representative know who I am when I finally get to speak with them. Why? Because when I do finally speak with them, 20 minutes later and after being hung up on by the automated rep 3 times before, they still ask for the same 16 digit number I previously punched in. I guess it’s not enough that I call the right department, because I spoke with them on Sunday for the same issue, but am told by two separate reps that I’m not and given another number to call. After calling this number and being informed that the original number I dialed is the only department who can help me, it’s no wonder I sound like I’m on the brink of suicide calling for help. Get your act together Bank of America. Get. It. Together.

Another thing that burns my biscuits, besides burnt biscuits is my name. It annoys me when people misspell it but forgivable due to its different spellings. Now when I call a place and they don’t call me by the correct name, that’s a problem. I don’t stutter on the phone. I don’t have slurred speech…typically. I don’t even mumble. Why the hell can’t you understand what I’m saying to you? So for the record, my name is NOT Jillie, Kelly, Julie, Chili, Silly or whatever concoction you came up with. Better yet, every time we meet and you are embarrassed that you could not understand my name I feel a little better about myself inside. WHY? Because my name really isn’t that hard.

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So I’m on the Topamax again. Every time I stop it, I feel great and not slow. Unfortunately, these bloody migraines return and I want to bash my head against a wall or just sleep/cry for days. Anyway, each time I restart it I feel a new side effect which I hate. This time, it’s vomiting. I took my pill this morning and not even 10 minutes past before I nearly threw up all over myself. Luckily, I hadn’t eaten so I would have thrown up just the water. BOOOOO, Topamax. Boo!

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Every day I find out something new or find out how much slower I really am. Yesterday, I found out dogs have periods. Did everyone know that? I texted several people and all but one person knew. Why didn’t anyone inform me!?! I thought only humans have periods. I still want a woof, woof, but still a weird factoid.

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Don't you love that feeling when you just want to give up and quit, but something amazing happens and tells you it just isn't your time? Yeah? So do I. Thank you for happening. Even if it's just for today.

Rules vs. Exceptions

2010-08-11T14:22:00.000-04:00

My room is a black hole. I’ve lost my sandals and I temporarily lost a computer cord. After attempting to de-clutter my room, I still only found the cord but no sandals. Not only is my room a black hole, it’s a sauna. I want to be in the dark most of the time, just to feel the cool breeze of shadows.

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Inception. The best movie anyone could ever watch. Though Leo and I are no longer together, I still support his amazing choices of roles. For instance, Shutter Island, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? , and who could forget Titanic.

Ok. Leo and I never dated but when I was in 5^th grade I was in love with him. It was so intense that I would sign my papers T.E. DiCaprio. For my graduation my 5^th grade teacher even wrote to him to have him come but he was not able to make it. But the saddest part was the fact my older sister would make money off an 11 year old, by having me purchase clippings from YM Magazine for $5. Oh and that was the starting rate. I’m pretty sure there are a few IOUs lying around, but I’ve paid my debt. Trust me.

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Back to Inception and the attractive people casted. What we never spoke of that? Ok, that’s fine but we will now. I don’t know what it is, but I have a thing for assholes. No. Not the rectum area but people who are assholes. Now. Many of the characters in Inception either look of the asshole nature or have played assholes in past roles. And for that, I like them. I like them a lot. My two favorites being Tom Hardy (Eames) and Cillian Murphy (Robert Fischer).

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Yesterday, I watched He’s Just Not That Into You or better known as my life story. Goodwin = me. I’m the Rule, not the exception. Which is fine, don’t get me wrong. But the Rules tend to over analyze everything to bare nothingness, drink at 2:30pm and watch movies alone, or better yet become so oblivious to clear signs that they doubt their own feelings or sanity.

And that’s our problem. The Rules hope for that fairytale ending and suck up those beautiful one-liners, because everyone deserves them. Everyone deserves to receive sincere beautiful one-liners. A couple of weeks ago, I went to the bar and told a girl that when we were in school I liked her. She said she didn’t believe me because I never spoke to her. Actually, she never spoke to me and when I tried to explain that to her she made it seem like something could have happened between us. No. Nothing ever would have happened. You were too wrapped up in your world, as I sat in my world hoping one day you would talk to me. So don’t try and dump this one on me, Bucko.

Then again, it’s apparent that us Rules are exceptions to that rule.

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I’ve recently been waking up with scratch marks on my face. I’m not sure if an invisible kitty is attacking me in my sleep or I am attacking myself in my sleep. Whatever it is, it’s causing me to really worry.

The Big Move

2010-08-08T15:28:00.003-04:00

I've moved and I would like to give myself a round of applause. Why? I carried so much stuff, it's crazy. Thank goodness my nails weren't done or else they would have been chipped. Just kidding. Actually I'm not but you know what? I don't know what came over me. Not one complaint. Not one tear except the tears shed for leaving my roomies. I even went out after moving all that stuff. Amazing.

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I did it. I told her. There is so much behind it that I won't say here, because I want to keep it all to me. As selfish as you may find that, I don't care. There are things that I hold dear to me and that night was one of them. C'est ma vie, non?

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Ummm... the girl my friends tried to hook me up with. Hot mess trifecta. Don't know the defintion? Urbandictionary.com does it justice. Check it out. Let me clarify by saying that since I started drinking 5 years ago, I've tried to be the classiest of drunks possible. Even after being called a "Classy Lady" when I couldn't even remember chunks of the evening, a few days later. This idea has always failed miserably. I refuse for that to be my portion, so I'm constantly trying to control my inebriated states and KIC (keep(or keeping) it classy).

Last night was the closest I've ever been to KIC and homegirl was not. Maybe it was the way she was grinding off rhythm, or the way she her seductive ways did anything but make me want to erase last Saturday night. Or it could have been the ladies she decided to put a show on with. So before I continue my judgement, I would like to say, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." Yes. Judging is a sin, fools.

Anyway, if I ever get to that point of a trunken (trashy + drunken) stupor, call my mum. I'm serisous! She will be up here to drag my ass home, right after she beats the sense back into me.

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Why are infomercials always yelling at me? If you are speaking too quietly, I will just raise the volume. No need for you to make my ears bleed from a mile away. None. Nor does it make me want to purchase the shitty product you are scolding me to buy. Except when I bought the Ab Rocket. That's right, the one that obivously hasn't been used more than thrice. Sad.

I will say that there was this steamer vaccum that even after 30 minutes of the host yelling instructions on it's amazingness, I nearly pulled out my debit card and dialed that toll free number. That's when I was forced to turn off the TV and return to sleep.

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I go through phases of Chronic Fatigue and well today was day, probably, 12 of my excessive amounts of sleep. I wake up and I'm still tired. UGH! Why, though?! Whatever.... I'll eventually go to the doctor again before I slip into another coma.

Vitamin Water - Spark

2010-08-06T01:19:00.004-04:00

Tonight is my last night at 541 Summerlea. It's bittersweet as most things are, but I really don't want this housing situation to end. Of course there have been moments when I was tempted to push my roommates down the stairs whenever we argued or I was mad and they didn't know. Or better yet, they didn't acknowledge it. (Yes, I'm refusing to take responsibility of my slightly passive moments.). But other than that, I was constantly wanting to hold their hand, and shower them with hugs and kisses. Even against their will. I can't do that now. Now they have become like the rest of my friends, which is fine, but not really. We have to make dates to hang out. Now if I sit around watching Netflix for hours, without taking my shower, it means I'm dirty. Not that my roommate and I are having a lazy Sunday. And Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. Whatever. You get the point. I'm going to miss living with CLC and ACM. I'm probably going to cry, but at least I can remedy that by juicing it up later tonight.

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Sometimes I wonder if people understand how fantastical music is. These melodic chart toppers tell a story. They tell my story. (I would say it tells your story, but I don't know your life.). When I'm depressed and want to walk in front of a moving bus, with the most dangerous looking driver; there is a song on Saffron (my iPod) playing to stop me. When I have a crush, there is a perfect song to fit my feelings. When I'm shopping and know I shouldn't spend any money, there is a song telling me what to do. As you can see there is a song for everything, everyone, every life situation. Trust me.

Anyway, the other day I wrote this enchanting lady a poem to the tune of "Mamma Mia" and this started my ABBA kick. The thing is "Mamma Mia", the movie and ABBA tunes have parts of my life linked to it. Parts that as much as I want to get over, move on and stop crying whenever I think about this one instance in the movie theatre, I just can't. It's harder than I thought.

Like today, as I was packing up I decided to play the ABBA Gold album. Lay All Your Love On Me started playing. As I slowly tried to cool my body down from an oncoming panic attack, Gimme Gimme Gimme played soon after. Let me just say this person was really only a friend. Literally. Not this "we are friends" but we make out bull shit. Sorry. I don't play that game. Anyhams, she was a friend that went through horrible times and at midnight, I would walk to her house to see her. It was a great relationship while it lasted, and though many may have their opinions and I question my sanity and common sense (better yet, lack thereof) whenever I reminisce. I miss it. I miss it enough to not let "Mamma Mia" go.

But you know what? It's hard to move on. That's right. I said it. It is. It's hard for everyone except for those lying pions who think they are invincible. You aren't invincible. You just aren't human and probably kick puppies. Douche.

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In connection with the above rant, I have something to say that pertains to this one person. Have you seen the Real Housewives of New York City? If you haven't, then you have been missing a key part of your life. Just as if you never tasted an ICEE. There are two women on there, Bethanny and Jill. These ladies were two peas in a pod. They were the best of buddies until things started going well for Bethanny. She was no longer the underdog, who needed help. She was out there in the world doing her, and Jill became jealous. Jealous to the point it sparked Bethanny to tell her "to get a hobby". Realizing her mistake, Bethanny tried time and time again to talk with her. To apologize. To have Jill see where she was coming from. Jill was having none of it. *Side note - Bethanny was going through some of her own shit - a father who wanted nothing to do with her was dying and he finally wanted to make peace, she got engaged and was now pregnant. Jill knew this but still didn't want to give her another chance.

As the tables quickly shifted and everyone saw what a crazy bitch Jill was, she tried reaching out to Bethanny. She assumed that Bethanny owed her this. She thought it would be mean and hurtful if Bethanny said no. Really, JILL!? Really? Bethanny owes you nothing but a swift horse kick to your tookus. Ok. Getting off track. I'm Bethanny. None of details of their story is relatable to our story, but the idea of constantly reaching out with no feedback. I'm concerned if she reaches out to me. Will I be as kind as Bethanny and talk to her, or will I remember that snarky smile she wore on her face during Opening Convocation last year? Or the lie she spread that made me wonder how I haven't run into her in over a year, to administer this swift horse kick I described? Or, will the forgiving me remember S.O.S during "Mamma Mia"?

Time will only tell. What I do know though is that, if I ever get this chance, I better speak my peace once and for all.

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Onto a less crazy subject. I go through phases of being obsessed with things. Like make-up, shopping, pie, children, nail polish. Some of these things I grow out of. Other times they stay with me for however long I can stand it. Right now, I'm in love with this new flavor of Vitamin Water. It's called Spark. The other flavor that I will forcibly purchase if my neighborhood convenient store is conveniently (I know. The name means nothing, if I have to settle for less than)out of Spark, is Connect.

Ok truthfully. I'm not sure it's the flavor I love or the contrast of beverage upon wrapping that makes me want to buy the entire convenient store before they decide to run out... again.

My other obsession is women. I know. You are like "no shit Sherlock" but aside from the lesbianism, we are amazing. We are smart, gorgeous, strong, and our own people. Every woman is so dynamic and different that I want to go out and meet new women, just to pick their brain. Pick it until there is nothing left for me to learn. Or until my body implodes from all this amazingness. Sigh.

Well, well, well. I know what I'm doing tonight. Gearing up with my Vitamin Water to go pick some brains.

They Say Time Heals Everything, But I'm Still Waiting

2010-08-03T14:03:00.002-04:00

I've been on a musical kick lately. It's more of a Dixie Chicks, ABBA kick but a kick nonetheless. it makes me want to listen to them all day, every day until I pass out from being musically intoxicated.

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Today we went to see The Kids Are Alright and guess what? I wouldn't recommend it, but I thought it was good. I think it was the first lesbian film where it wasn't about hot women trying to categorize lesbians. But it made me want things right now:

1. a boo

2. a kiss

3. to hold hands

4. did I mention a boo.

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I want to go on a date. On the car ride to the movies I told my friends that this is the type of date I would like to go on: dinner and a movie. Or a night out listening to music and enjoying a few drinks.

Muffled Noises Down The Hall

2010-08-03T01:11:00.002-04:00

When I was younger I used to eat my food cold. I even enjoy freezing my drinks and eating them like ice cream. Anyway, my mum feared I would get sick from a habit like that so I was always forced to heat up my food. So just to appease her, I would put it in the microwave for a minute, until it was slightly warm. One day my mum figured out my little scheme when she wanted to share my food with me. From then on, she always checked my foods temperature.

Even though I still freeze my drinks, I've grown out of that cold food habit. But every now and then, I eat my leftovers cold. Except rice. That has to be HOT.

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I think I'm finally ready to talk about this. Oy. I kissed a girl and I didn't like it. HA HA! There are several reasons of why I didn't like it but to preserve your mental retinas, I will save you the details. What I will say though is that I'm sure an OBE (Outer Body Experience, for the ones out of the loop) occurred, because when I look back I have no idea who that girl was. Grr.

Of all the lessons learned that evening. Of all the feelings felt. Of all the tears cried. A part of me still feels a little numb and sadly, I'm fine with that.

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You know when you speak with someone and they make the most breath taking statements. Well, not many people are like that and yesterday someone did. It made me smile because I tend to quickly lose all faith in humanity. For instance, during one conversation (not the same one) they spoke about the fall in value that "I love you" has today and how quickly people rush into relationships. It reassured me that I wasn't an undercover nun, trying to slide by in a sea of lesbians. There are others out there who aren't U-Hauls and understand you can survive over a year being single. In my case, celibate.

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Speaking of celibate. In the Catholic religion we pray something called a novena. It's a devotion of nine seperate days consisting of prayers or services. There are probably hundreds of different novenas ranging from health to good fortune. I've always started a novena but never completed one. So, if I follow through to Thursday, it will be my first ever completed novena. I want to do it. I feel good after prayers.

First of the Month

2010-08-01T14:15:00.002-04:00

Remember that song by Bone Thugz? First Of The Month? The only way to say it and give it the fullest respect is: that shit was dope, son. HAHA! I don't speak that on a normal basis but when I write, I'm able to use a wide variety of colloquialisms. Anyway, I thought of that because today is August 1st. Can you believe it? Crazy!!

When you have no expectations aren't you supposed to feel great when your night is bleh!? Apparently not! I need a nap.